Congratulations Gophers, the university has finally done something worth being proud of. We’ve become the first school to start shooting pornos, a goal that students have been trying to accomplish for many years. Rarig, the building designated for shitty performances of Anything Goes and Chicago, has announced that this semester they will be shooting the school’s first pornographic film.
“Honestly, we don’t even really care at this point. Rarig just needs a way to bring in more money,” said John Coleman, Dean of CLA. “We were considering doing an alumni fundraiser when we noticed only a few BFA students ended up employed for any length of time. We initially thought these students were finding work in Hollywood or Broadway. After contacting a few, we soon found ourselves in the bleached asshole of the porn industry.” Dean Coleman then discovered something astounding about the school. “We are actually one of the leading schools that educates adult performers.”
Take that Harvard!
While Coleman and many other faculty members are excited about the new change, others are upset about the student-made erotica. Primarily students. Juniors and seniors enrolled in the Rarig’s BFA program have no real place to go if they hope to graduate on time, mainly because the new program has become mandatory for graduation. So they are literally going to have to bend over and take it.
“It’s totally unfair. I wanted to be an actor. Not some smut peddler!” said Anthony Frock, a senior theatre major and prude. “Next week I have to be fitted for some cut-off jeans for a production called Goldy Gets the Big Ten. Guess who’s playing Goldy? And guess who’s playing the Big Ten?” Frock is not the only student upset about the change. Students like Fredericka Jones are upset about what the porn industry is doing to the school.
“Everyone keeps winking at me,” said Jones, a senior currently enrolled in the college’s stage management program. She also explained that the production demands have gotten odder and stranger with each passing day. “I keep getting asked to build regular school sets, but for whatever reason they have to be erotic. Erotic dorm rooms, erotic bathrooms, even erotic staircases. What the hell is an erotic staircase?” We were never able to see the end product of the erotic staircase, but we assume it involved large black Slinkys and lotion.
Next month, the school’s first production will be complete. The film is slated to be called 50 Shades of Maroon and Gold. A film based on the autobiography of Minnesota’s most beloved Gopher. With whips, paddles, and loads of leather, the film is projected to create enough revenue to finance over thirty productions of West Side Story or the equivalent of $5,000,000 worth of condoms and lube.
“I didn’t become an actor to make money, I wanted to make meaningful art that would change people,” said Frock after we informed him about all the new money the school would be gaining by the new venture. We then told Dean Coleman about Frock’s sentiment and he responded swiftly and succinctly.
“Pick up a camera and fuck that shit.” So next month when you’re watching the student body on film, remember the student body in real life, because the person you’re watching might be closer than you think.