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We Scoped Out Those Pizza Assholes Stealing Our Name

Black Sheep Coal Fired Pizza is a pizza place in north Minneapolis. It is also a den of thieves, using the prestigious name of the 46th best University of Minnesota-based humor website, The Black Sheep, that’s us, to pull in customers. It had gotten to the point that we couldn’t Google search “Black Sheep Minnesota” without this awful place taking all our Google traffic. And we’d had enough.

We decided to yet again mobilize our small army of unpaid interns to take to the streets, find the offending locale, and give them a piece of our minds. After losing a couple of shoes trying to get across shitty Minneapolis streets, we finally arrived at this half-submerged storefront and prepared to lodge a formal complaint.

“For our shitty branding integrity!” our crusaders cried as they entered the building.

Oh no. We realized to our horror that this façade was delightfully metropolitan and trendy. A dark, but not dim, interior revealed a stunning color palette of blacks, yellows, browns, and reds, and the smell of coal-fired ovens dulled our indignations. Our college-aged sensibilities got the best of us. Formal complaint forgotten, we were helpless to the siren call of the front bar.

Rich, polished wood tables? NCAA basketball playing on screens? Local brewed beers and liquors? It’s like an elaborate trap designed to snag the heart and mind of the midwestern tween. Pleasant and confused staff relieved us of our vandalization gear and seated us at the bar and the comfy booths.

It was when we saw the pricing of the pizza that we began to rouse ourselves from our stupor and regained our righteous footing. This is not a place to go to be short on cash, with mid-sized pizzas that easily cross the 20-dollar threshold with toppings. Eager to find a thing we could hate on, we decided to get a 16-inch pie and prove that this place wasn’t all that.

Oh, piss off with your quality ingredients, lightly-charred crust, and fair portions. They may have no honor nor originality in their name, but they do make good, if pricey, pizza. We want to hate these cheats and their name-taking ways, but we must begrudgingly accept their existence as a nice sit-down pizza place. But this isn’t over! We will find a way to regain the independence and superiority of The Black Sheep over Black Sheep Pizza. And we’ll do it over our leftovers and smuggled craft beer.

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