Ever wonder which erotic toy your college would be if the world suddenly all turned into items used under the sheets? Well, welcome to this alternate universe, and scroll to find your UMN college, or, your least favorite college.
7.) College of Biological Science: An average-sized silicon dildo
With students who know the ins and outs of all sorts of sexual reproduction, CBS is one of the classics. CBS couldn’t possibly be anything else, because it would be biologically irrelevant to sexual reproduction. Say goodbye to Foundations of Biology and welcome Foundations of Dildos. Cheers.
6.) College of Liberal Arts: Any toy for at least half a semester
Much like your majors, y’all just can’t decide. A vibrator there and a butt plug here, CLA does a little bit of everything, but for an undedicated amount of time. It takes CLA students at least a year to get out of the “undecided” toy phase. If you happen to get a Lib Arts-er in the bed, beware, these freaky CLA kids are prone to switching it up mid position or mid sexual encounter.
5.) College of Education and Human Development: Nooooo
WTF, get lost, you guys are too pure for this article. Nobody wants to think of their teachers with sex toys or as a sex toy, or anything else revolving around sex. You guys do not use sex toys and if you have sex, you strictly have it in the missionary position. But to be clear, teachers definitely don’t think about any sex toys. Or else that is what we convince ourselves to preserve our perception of teachers everywhere.
4.) College of Science and Engineering: Handcuffs
Because engineers are the future tinkerers and problem solvers, engineers like the idea of being in handcuffs. They’re mechanical, something you must put on, or get out of, and it can all be very technical. The only problem is 99% of CSE students don’t get the chance to get laid, due to insane amounts of studying and League of Legends. Maybe engineer your next sex toy?
3.) Carlson School of Management: Whips
Let’s face it, chains and whips excite you. Carlson students are the future CEO’s and vice presidents, and because they’re preparing to be in charge in the workplace, they must practice by being in charge in the bedroom. Leadership class? No, bondage 1001 and Daddy 2117. We can all see it, can’t we? Christian Grey was a successful business man too.
2.) College of Design: 7-speed licker
Because CDES students are the more creative gophers, The Black Sheep found an equally creative sex toy that perfectly encompasses this school. The 7-speed licking toy kind of resembles a flower, but with tongue shaped petals and is a flower used for, well, artificial cunnalingus. Honestly, one of you probably designed this, congratulations.
1.) College of Food, Agriculture, and Natural Resources: Produce
You guys bring the produce into the love-making. Ever seen that grapefruit video? It was purely inspired by a CFANS student. CFANS kids aren’t afraid to go the all-natural way, so here’s to all the grapefruit, corn cobs, and rhubarb used on and in unspeakable places.
Like to consume your booze before noon? So do these guys…