The sprawling social system of the University of Minnesota is diverse as it is big. And with that comes a diversity of foreplay and further sexual techniques. In order to illuminate some of the differing kinks The Black Sheep decided to create a comprehensive breakdown on how to get from first base to a home run in different UMN colleges. We are proud to present: The Sexual Bases for Every UMN College.
Students of the College of Liberal Arts are well-read, easy going, and currently high. Because of all of this, the dating timeline depends upon how many “reflection essays” you have written and how pretentious your Spotify playlist is.
First base: Mackin’ atop a pile of leather-bound books.
Second base: Discuss Chaucer and other great writers whilst planning Pitchfork Music Festival itineraries.
Third base: Smoke pot and laugh at lack of job opportunities.
Home: Lick each other’s thick-rimmed glasses.
College of Biological Sciences has a lot of smart people dedicated to smart people things. With a comprehensive knowledge of the human body you’d think they would be phenomenal lovers, but they’re not. Ironically, as anal as they are, they can be a very prudish bunch.
First base: Analyze bodily fluids for further “experimentation.”
Second base: Render an illustrative diagram of what the partner’s sex organs look like.
Third base: Write a lab based on the mechanics of kissing.
Home: Hold hands (only if you are both wearing sterile gloves).
The College of Science and Engineering is comprised of future engineers and inventors. Most CSE students suffer from a remarkably well-known case of blue balls, mainly because the ratio of boys to girls is so bad they make China look balanced.
First base: Talk to the one girl in CSE.
Second base: Lie to her about the origin of your sweat stains.
Third base: Make it look like you touched her boob “accidentally.”
Home: Think about her boob in the shower.
The College of Continued Education and Human Development is essentially the college responsible for educating our future generation. With an entire college dedicated to school, things run pretty vanilla for a long time. That being said, with a college full of people who love teaching and responsibility, you’ll find wifey material for sure.
First base: Meet a human being. It doesn’t have to be anyone special since you, as a future teacher can fix their flaws.
Second base: Date for several years while you grow as a human being. Go camping, cook with each other, move into a house with a white picket fence, go to Disney World, and play charades on the weekend.
Third base: Get married, have 2.5 children, and become soccer parents.
Home: Die while looking into the eyes of your lover in your final moment. Then remain a cremated pile of ashes on top of their hand-built bedside table for all of eternity.
The Carlson School of Management should be renamed the Carlson School of the Gods. Who can imagine a much more worthy cause than business? In fact, if you happen to encounter a majestically marketable embodiment of a Carlson student, give them a hug or at least a blowjob. They’re just so swell!
First base: High-five your bro because you plan on boning.
Second base: Strategically approach your person of interest and ask him or her out via invite on LinkedIn.
Third base: Run a financial background check on your soon to be significant other. If their credit score doesn’t meet your standards, drop them like you drop your daddy’s money on kegs and weed.
Home: Applying for the same internship as your person of interest and beating them out, because nothing is sexier than domination.
So now you know the rolling climate of the sexual world at the U. Ultimately, when it comes to different colleges, it’s certainly safe to say “different folks, different strokes.” Happy smashing everyone!