Last week bike season unofficially started, and with it came the hellish landscape of biker-pedestrian relations at the U. While most students enjoy a nice ride along campus, these people take the hobby to an annoying extreme. With their constant reminders that they’re on your right, or their stupid bells that they love so much, bikers make global warming seem like a better alternative. Or at least, that’s what protesters like Andrew Styles believe.
Andrew is the head of the University of Minnesota Pedestrians Against Bikers Association (UMPAB), a group specifically designed to address the scourge of two-wheeled bastards at the University of Minnesota. Andrew has provided The Black Sheep with shocking evidence as to why the UMPAB believe biking is the worst thing to ever happen to the U.
“Biker/pedestrian accidents are almost always initiated by bikers,” Styles told us. “Biking increases street congestion by 10%. Not to mention, Hitler was known to ride bikes! What more proof do you need?” he exclaimed loudly.
While the facts are compelling, many bikers are quick to point out that they have limited space on roads and streets. When faced with a street full of cars or a sidewalk full of people, the safer choice is to do whatever it takes to not get slammed by a car. When we brought this to Styles, he simply shrugged. “Fuck ‘em. I would rather see one of those Neanderthals wipe out; it’s called the sideWALK. That’s our territory. Respect that!”
Animosity like this may seem extreme, but it’s commonplace this time of year. Students may remember the incident when a group of pedestrians applauded after a biker was hit by a bus on University in 2010 or the time a pack of bikers banded together and did a drive-by, throwing tubs of maroon and gold paint on a group of joggers.
“You know, we get a lot of hate, but this has escalated to a dangerous extreme. I might start wearing two helmets,” said avid biking student Thad Haynes. “We’re trying to get a bit of exercise, see the world, and save the planet by biking instead of driving. People keep forgetting that the Earth needs bikers, and more importantly, so does the U.”
With this in mind, The Black Sheep then asked Styles about the green aspect of biking. “I can appreciate trying to save the planet. April is ‘Earth Month’ after all, but I would rather every polar bear in the world drown in a tub of oil than see one more pedal jockey on my sidewalk. And that is why we must continue attacking those dicks!”
When we asked Haynes about the attacks he simply rolled his eyes.
“Listen, although things are tense right now, we don’t actually hate pedestrians. Sure we fight sometimes, but more often than not, we try to get along with them. We even have little nicknames for them. Sometimes we call them ‘street walkers,’ ‘super pedestrians,’ or ‘super pedos’ for short. I don’t understand why these super pedos hate us so much.” Haynes then jumped on his bike and rode away, forcing a woman into a pile of mud in the process.
Now more than ever, pedestrian-biker relations need to be resolved. Last week, hundreds of tires were burned by a group of passionate pedestrians in front of Coffman Memorial Union. In retaliation, some biker activists held an anti-street-walkers rally (confusing many local pimps).
Some students are worried that they may be caught in the crossfire of this disagreement. Neither mode of transportation is really safe anymore. With so much being said, for now the groups can only agree on one thing about how to get around campus: the only truly wrong way is the Segway.