Just in case you aren’t paranoid enough about getting a $200 jaywalking ticket after dashing across Washington Avenue, there are at least 10 more absurdly trivial things that could get you arrested in Minnesota.
10.) Partaking in a greased-pig contest:
Unless you’re on the seriously redneck campsite of WE Fest, you probably won’t be playing any game where a greasy pig is thrown in the air like a bridal bouquet. Yes, really, sweaty swine used to be considered a grand prize and it’s now illegal. Why were 20th century Minnesotans so fixated on oiled up pigs? We’ll leave that to the imagination.
9.) Watering your garden on certain days:
There is a law declaring odd-numbered houses may only water their gardens on odd-numbered days and vice versa for even-numbered houses. So even if you don’t think you live in a divided community, guess what?! You do. Tend to your garden with caution: you never know which shifty neighbor of yours might call the cops on you for hydrating your hydrangeas on the wrong day. #trustnobitch
8.) Standing by a building without a good reason to be there:
This law is basically a wordier version of “no loitering.” Perhaps the state legislature could ever so kindly elaborate on what a “good” reason to be standing by a building is.
7.) Walking to Wisconsin with a Duck on your Head:
This law has been a misinterpretation of selling false measurements of cotton “duck” or fabric. However, we’re still wondering if any Minnesotan daredevils have tried tiptoeing across the Minnesota-Wisconsin border with a duck on their head, thinking they’re sneaky little bastards.
6.) Eating a hamburger on Sunday:
Luckily, this law only applies to St. Cloud, making it reason #500 to never go to St. Cloud. Sure, Minnesota closes their liquor stores on Sundays, but burgers? You can’t deny your hard-working, tax-paying Minnesotan a Juicy Lucy on Sunday!
5.) Having bad breath during sex:
This law in Alexandria, Minnesota turned out to be an internet myth when the city administrator found no actual evidence of this law’s existence. Nonetheless, whoever started this rumor should be applauded for their efforts to abolish unlawfully pungent breath during sexy time.
Minnesota Statute 169.22 claims: “No person shall stand in a roadway for the purpose of soliciting a ride from the driver of any private vehicle.” It’s pretty common knowledge that no one likes hitchhikers, but not giving someone a free ride doesn’t seem very Minnesota Nice.
3.) Persuading another person to get a massage past 11:00 p.m.:
Are you the type likes to hit the town with your bros for a therapeutic massage long past business hours? On the off chance that you are, think again. It seems petty, but to be fair, everyone knows that a massage after dusk is a one-way ticket to a happy ending.
2.) Driving through a line of children:
Hopefully this one was a no-brainer, but apparently this needed to be clarified in the Minnesota Drivers’ Manual.
1.) Sleeping naked:
This obtuse law raises a bunch of questions. How can someone enforce whether or not you are sleeping naked? How closely would they define the act of being naked? Is there a way to distinguish between intentionally or accidentally sleeping whilst disrobed? What if you are sleeping naked with someone who is not naked? Would they be arrested for being an accomplice in the crime of unconscious nudity?
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: