Spring Jam season is coming upon us. The time of year when the ghoulish white of Minnesotan knees and elbows come forth and culminate to listen to subpar live music. It’s an event that somehow attracts both the socially inept of CLA and the emotionally aggressive of Carlson. This might be your first time dealing with Spring Jam or your last. But fear not, here’s a list of things to look out for during Spring Jam this year.
10.) Excessive Pre-Gamers: These people act like they’re going to be the guest of honor at their own intervention. With a few drinks too many, these boys and girls are going to be slipping and sliding into you all night. And before you ask yourself, “Are they pre-gaming so hard because they want to have fun or because you’re no fun at all?” ::brain explodes::
9.) Security: The thin line between celebration and chaos at Spring Jam is someone in an even thinner windbreaker. These hand-selected guards make sure people don’t step out of line in what is essentially a giant blob of people. But watch out, because if you sneak out of or into the orb then they’ll grab you and throw you to the back of the orb with all the pre-gamers. Since, let’s be honest, it isn’t like they can do much else.
8.) Frat Guys: You might not actually see them at Spring Jam but they’re there. The frat guy has an ability to mask the musk of creepy fraternal brotherhood when in a large orb of people so you might get convinced into thinking he’s human. He’s not, because the difference between a frat guy and a human is a soul, empathy, and much less body spray.
7.) The Fans: Some people go to Spring Jam to see a band that they actually like. When the band they like plays, they either lose their shit out of happiness or go insane. Happiness because they get to see a live show featuring a marginally famous person, or insane because that performer is playing a cover song.
6.) The Over-Planner: You know who this person is. They tend to act like a young dad or mom the entire time you’re around them. They bring snacks, sunscreen, and a whole butt-load of pseudo-paternal guilt. So when you wanna have fun or get loose they’ll just stare and judge you.
5.) Traffic: There is a ring in hell exactly like the traffic situation after Spring Jam. Do yourself a favor and just walk home. Or experience the hellish wait on University Ave.
4.) Tall Guys: Screw tall guys, they only ever make concerts worse with their tall stupid heads and beating hearts. They stand up front blocking your view and act like it’s no big deal. If you see one standing around just throw a rock at them. They won’t even notice because they’re so dumb; most giants are.
3.) Video Takers: You know what’s a great way to save a memory? Make a shifty video of the band playing with zero context so you have no idea what you’re looking at in the future.
2.) Barefoot People: They’re a rare breed of son of a bitch. They don’t wear shoes and make that your problem. If you hurt someone accidentally by stepping on their feet, apologize and then smile because you know what hookworms are.
1.) The Music: When has anyone really been impressed by the musical line up at Spring Jam? Sure we had Iggy Azalea for Homecoming, but like the rest of America, we saw an Australian rapping and figured something was wrong. And who do we have performing this year? A group of young performers who only have to do slightly better than Iggy.
Happy Spring Jam!