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Top 10 Things UMN Freshmen Would Do On Campus If Left Over Winter Break

To the dismay of freshmen who grow overly attached to their dorm room cesspools, U of M residence halls evict their residents for winter break. But what if freshmen were allowed to wreak havoc on their stomping grounds for a month? These are some of the outrageous things UMN freshmen could do if left unsupervised, most of which are illegal, unwholesome, and downright genius.

 10.) Do Shots at the Top of the IDS Center:
At 792’ tall, the IDS Center is Minnesota’s tallest building. If freshmen could fly, they might take the opportunity to try to sneak to the top floor of this business center and see whether you really do get drunk faster at a higher altitude.

9.) Ransack the Bookstore:
By the end of their first semester, most freshmen are painfully aware of the high cost of required textbooks. Given nearly-unlimited free time and a campus home base, they could easily plan and execute a raid of the U of M bookstore.

8.) Start a Subterranean Commune in the Gopher Way:
Disillusioned with life in a modern capitalist society, a group of freshmen could abandon the dorms and start a collective in the tunnels. It takes grit to eat, sleep, and live solely in the Gopher Way, but we all have a little gopher blood running through our veins, so it should come naturally.

7.) Hijack a Campus Connector:
The majority of students will have had enough of slogging through slush by the time winter break rolls around. We wouldn’t blame freshmen for being tempted to go Grand Theft Auto on a Campus Connector and do doughnuts in the TCF Bank Stadium parking lot.

6.) Steal Shoes From the Shoe Tree:
There’s nothing like the first semester of freshman year to make you realize just how poor you are—and how expensive essential commodities are. After a while, the shoe tree on West Bank starts looking like a waste of perfectly good shoes. It might be breaking a U of M tradition, but there are probably a sick pair of Jordans up there, and is it really even stealing if it’s from a tree?

5.) Investigate the Mysterious Moos Tower:
To most students, Moos Tower is something of an enigma. Sure, it houses the School of Dentistry, but is it actually likely that dentistry takes up all of that hulking building? The university probably has nothing to hide…but if they do, leave it to the freshmen to sniff it out.

4.) Migrate From the Dorms:
An extra month of living in the residence halls would be enough to push anyone over the edge with dorm living. This could lead to a potential mass exodus of freshmen pouring out into como. It would be a crisis, but at least most of the migrants would have their freshmen fifteen to keep them warm during winter break.

3.) Invade Every Single Club in the Warehouse District:
For all those freshmen who still haven’t ventured into the city past the 10th Avenue Bridge, winter break should be devoted to exploring the nightlife. Keep warm with an onslaught of drinks and lap dances at every single venue using your fake IDs that look like they were made with Microsoft Paint.

2.) Throw a Month-long Superblock Rager:
Surely this is every freshman’s fantasy. With no CAs, no capped party list, and no sense of dignity, the damage would be devastating, but the memories would last forever…or not.

1.) Start the Apocalypse:
A large group of unsupervised youths left alone with access to high-tech laboratories, supercomputers, and the bulk of human knowledge. If they really wanted to, they could use university resources to set an apocalypse in motion. We really can’t be sure if freshmen would use their powers for good or evil. Sending them home is the safest option.

With these dangers in mind, winter break dorm closures should make more sense. It’s simply the best way to ensure the campus will still be standing for spring semester.

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