Stephanie Pollock, a finally well-adjusted junior, went to Coffman to pick up her books this week and was met with a not-so-lovely surprise. Standing in line to check-out oversized biochemistry textbooks were the majority of her friends’ most annoying siblings.
“Fucking Miles Hellsbells was in line,” said Pollock, “He’s Tricia Hellsbells’ younger brother. He farts while he’s eating.”
Although Tricia is said to be an amicable graduate of the University of Minnesota and one of Pollock’s best friends, her little brother, Miles, has consumed an unparalleled amount of Elmer’s Glue on several occasions, tripping out on the sheer quantity of chemicals he ingested. Admissions has been looking for a smelly, paste-eating prospect for quite some time and thinks Miles will be a perfect addition to the University.
“I just can’t wait until he’s eating a paste sandwich next to me in Linear Algebra for Non-Math Majors.,” exclaimed Stephanie.
Grant Harding, a 6’4” football quarterback and lead singer of the emerging rock band “Six-Pac,” is Tyson Harding’s younger brother. Tyson, while not as large or handsome as the incoming U of M freshman, showed his dedicated kindness by introducing Grant to his friends. All of Tyson’s friends have welcomed Grant into their friend circle and are currently negotiating which girlfriend Grant will steal next.
“I’m really glad to be part of such an open group,” Grant said while playing an exclusive game of “Spin the Bottle” with Tyson’s soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.
Thanks to a new work-study program implemented this year, now all of your friends’ annoying siblings will be working at your favorite coffee shop or restaurant. While in training, many of them will learn that you truly enjoy a fifteen-minute conversation before you get your coffee, making you miss your 8 a.m. class. Others will bring you a Diet Cherry Coke at the Washington Applebee’s, because they mistakenly believe it is your favorite.
Ralph Vereen, Rachel Vereen’s little brother, was interviewed on-the-job at Noodles and Company on Washington Avenue.
“No, I don’t have any food service experience, but how hard can it be?” Ralph chimed in, immediately spilling a hot bowl of chili on the exposed flesh of his unsuspecting older sister.
“How did he even find chili?” Rachel exclaimed, “They don’t even serve it at Noodles and Company!”
Of course, it will be impossible to talk about any of your friends’ annoying siblings, because, like some kind of social horror movie, they’ll always be behind you when you tell anyone what you actually think of them.
“I tried talking about Vincent Love’s little sister, but then she appeared behind me and ran away crying,” reported Henry Watts, an only child. Henry was later admitted into the Boynton Health Clinic after being beat up by Vincent.
Another policy implemented by President Kaler ensures that your friends’ annoying siblings will actually get that double major, with extra scholarship money to boot for completing their easy class schedule. President Kaler has decided, as of this year, to implement a stress-free environment for the incoming freshman class.
“I got a participation trophy for going to class!” exclaimed Lily Smith, younger sister of Haley Smith and new freshman with no real skills. “And tomorrow I start a paid internship with my dream company where I’ll pay off the small amount of debt I owe! Wow, I’m so busy! College is hard!”
To all those who rushed this semester, we salute you: