In case the massive, white monstrosity of a tent parked in the middle of Mall didn’t give enough indication, the U of M will be hosting some Super Bowl LII related events on campus. However, in light of the Minnesota Vikings getting spanked by the Eagles and denied actually playing in the Super Bowl, the Board of Regents has come together and drafted a new resolution for their policy: to ruin the Super Bowl in any way they can.
“We’re Minnesotans through and through,” said board member Theodore McBridgewater in an announcement last week. “And if the Vikings were going to the Super Bowl, we wouldn’t be in this difficult situation. Do we uphold our integrity as a public, American institution or do we give the bird to the nation and cling to our state pride? If the recent out-of-state tuition hikes have set any precedence, the decision is clear: we must destroy the Super Bowl.”
McBridgewater then proceeded to throw a bald eagle, conveniently emblematic of both the Patriots and the Eagles, into a snowdrift outside. The eagle is expected to make a full recovery, but the message is clear: neither the Pats nor the Eagles will have an easy time playing in US Bank Stadium this weekend.
Plans have already been set in motion to dismantle the most important event in the NFL’s yearly season, starting with the great state of Minnesota’s most potent inconvenience: snow. Local shaman Hannah Miller has declared that the large snowstorm that buried much of the Twin Cities in snow was the collaborative work of U of M higher-ups and the local shaman community.
“Never before have the legendary shamans of Minnesota had such free-rein to create blizzards to ruin a national pastime,” said Miller. “It really is an honor. Times are tough for the spiritually inclined, and having the U create this opportunity to wield the forces of nature with reckless abandon was a great opportunity for us. Expect even bigger snowfalls in the days to come!”
Similar U plans are in the works to assist in this effort. These include deflating every single football in the metro area, mailing live bees in envelopes to Philadelphia, and spraying US Bank Stadium’s field with hundreds of pounds of purple and yellow Legos, among dozens of other maniacal schemes.
“We can think of no better use for our students’ tuitions than giving Super Bowl LII a piece of our mind,” said McBridgewater. “And we’ll be damned if we join the league of people who have kissed Tom Brady’s wrinkly ass by giving him another trophy.”
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