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UMN Humans vs. Zombies Team Challenges Actual Necromancer to Showdown

The UMN Humans vs. Zombies team can be found confusing orientation groups and digging for stray nerf darts in bushes on the weekends. But it seems that this plucky group of misfits could be taking on more than they can chew with their recent challenge to local necromancer Gibaltrax the Elder this Saturday.

“I think we have a good shot,” said Jeremy Springer, a frequent player in the group. “We’re damn fast and we’ve got some deadeyes on the team. As long as we can build up a good arsenal of children’s toys and foam swords, we can take them.”

Others on the team share Springer’s enthusiasm, popping out of nearby bushes to voice their excellent performance in events this year that will serve them well when facing actual undead hordes of flesh-eating zombies.  

“We’ve only lost three members this year,” said team leader Christie Hawkins, while smoking what appeared to be an ignited nerf bullet. “That’s an 100% decrease of HvZ casualties from last year, and we’re only getting stronger. We’d like to bring the number down to zero someday, of course, but there are some things we can’t account for right now. Nerf bullets are just a little too easy to choke on, despite how delicious they look.”

At their latest gathering, members of the team jeered at one onlooker for his strange attire and his drawing of blood circles on the mall outside of Northrop. Upon learning that he was, in fact, the local necromancer Gibaltrax, their taunting gave way to an official challenge to the death wizard, who seemed to accept by shouting in ancient Latin and disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

The Black Sheep athletics analyst David “The Sausage-Wrangler” Jones weighed in on what’s shaping to be one of the more interesting, tragic and mentally-scarring events on campus this year.

“I think there will be a lot of blood regardless of the outcome,” said Jones. “These kids have heart and the power of friendship on their side, and if anime has taught us anything, that counts for at least something. But in real sports, that’s usually not enough to stop you from taking a crushing defeat against a mindless horde. I mean, look at the Gophers vs. Hawkeyes game last month.”

Despite the nay-sayers, the team seems confident that they can defend the entire East Bank campus against zombies. Even now, they’re petitioning their parents for money to buy the latest nerf guns and the sickest gear in anticipation for their showdown.

“We’re pooling our allowances together to get the Zombie Strike Dreadbolt Bow™ from Walmart this week, and we’re digging in all the bushes on campus for the nerf bullets we’ve lost,” said Hawkins. “We fully expect a lot of bodies on the ground this Saturday, and we’re going to try to make sure those bodies aren’t all ours.”


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