Jerry Feldmann has a long track record of holding puppet offices. From Chess Club President to Student Council Member, he has held every position of fake power at his high school. Now as the U gears up for another heated student government campaign season, this plucky freshman takes on his greatest challenge yet: inspiring U students to give a flying shit about student government.
“I started like every other candidate,” said Feldmann. “I put up signs, I went door-to-door, I took to social media. It worked every time back in high school, I was feeling great! Then of course, I slowly came to the same conclusion my fellow candidates have: literally, no one cares about student government.”
Recent studies from bored psychology majors have confirmed that only half of the student body is even aware that the U of MN has a student government body, only a fifth noticed that student government elections are currently in progress, and less than five percent of students and faculty could say anything of substance concerning their duties and authority.
Despite the hurdles, Feldmann is looking to change that by introducing more extreme outreach tactics, ranging from RIP vine compilations, to “dank” motorcycle tricks to better relate to millennials’ priorities. Last week, he repelled down the side of Middlebrook Hall in a Goldy costume to the amusement and horror of the greater student body.
“You have to adapt to your audience,” said Jerry Feldmann as he was handcuffed and helped into a police car. “Students are busy, and you need to reach them in a way that they can appreciate. Once I make bail, I’m planning on ramping up the campaign to really resonate with millennials!”
Feldmann’s tactics seem to be working, as many preliminary polls have shown; him and his revolutionary campaigning tactics have been gaining traction and recognition amongst the student body.
“Oh, are you talking about that guy who drove a motorcycle down Scholar’s Walk?” said fellow freshman Renee Williams. “Nothing makes me more civically minded than a man with poor judgment and a blatant disregard for authority. Feldmann definitely has my vote.”
We wish Feldmann luck in his dedication to his craft. Stay tuned for his boxing match with a bear come Tuesday night, which will either catapult him into office or into a box floating down the river. Quite literally.
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