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University of Minnesota Closed to Make Room for Pokémon Go Safari Zone

In a surprising turn of events, the University of Minnesota has decided to end its long history and make the campus a giant Pokémon Go Safari Zone.

 

The recent Pokémon Go explosion has flooded the University of Minnesota campus and created a degree of chaos that has only been seen after hockey playoff losses. The brain-dead state of Pokémon Go users has led them to walk in front of moving bicycles, cars, and confused old people who don’t know what the hell is going on.

 

The Pokémon takeover (or Pokeover as scientists are calling it) has led the University of Minnesota to close its maroon and gold doors and open its buildings to nerdy strangers hoping to catch a Jigglypuff.

 

“It’s just more financially lucrative to shut down and Pokémon Go with the latest trend,” said President Kaler, in a surprisingly upbeat address to the media. “I’m actually really into Pokémon and I can’t wait to explore campus on my journey of becoming a Pokémon master.”

 

President Kaler is the leader of the TCF Bank Stadium gym, holding the crown with a 3678 CP Arcanine. Many University professors and officials abandoned their posts when the game dropped in the USA, much to the appreciation and enthusiasm of U of M students.

 

“Yeah, its pretty cool,” mumbled Pokémon Go gamer, Lance Red, as he slowly rambled away in mid-interview, “I think the faculty is really buying into what their students want and- HOLY SHIT IS THAT A PONYTA?!”

 

We were unable to finish Red’s interview as he trampled any attempt to maintain conversation in his desperate and sad chase of a digital creature.

 

Students are elated that they will no longer have to participate in boring class discussions and can, instead, pace the fourteen levels of the Social Sciences Building searching for the rumored, Alakazam, inside one of the many offices. The rec center has become a hotspot for Machop, the Wiseman Art Museum for Magneton, and the St. Paul campus for absolute desolation, as usual.

 

“We’re just gonna let the buildings go,” said U of M Building Inspector Clyde Hardy. “That way it will give the kids a real ‘abandoned campus’ feel.”

 

The campus will operate exactly like in the Pokémon video game series, with a limit on the time and number of Pokeballs students may receive. Legend has it that there will even be a crazy old man who has lost his teeth in the park. If you find this man and give him a set of teeth he will give you a free steroid shot in the buttocks, allowing you to move heavy objects.

 

“I’m homeless at thirteen but its worth it,” exclaimed Pokémon Go fanatic, Ash Catchem. “I met this really horny dude and this bipolar ginger girl, and we’re gonna travel the country together.”

 

The dreams of this young boy have been echoed by thousands of people who have decided that they have nothing better to do with their time than chase digital creatures in order to beat up other peoples’ digital creatures.

 

“This woman and her gay friend keep following us in their hot air balloon, though. I think I’m gonna call the cops.”

 

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