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Varsity Theatre Reopening Draws Local Music Posers in Beanies Out of the Woodwork

Varsity Theatre in Dinkytown reopened its doors earlier this month and on its face this looks like great news. Cool music venue two blocks from your house, very easy to stumble home drunk from, and a place to hang out and hear good music that’s not your friend’s apartment that smells like cheap booze and cat hair. All seem like good things.

However, whenever anything remotely cool happens in the local music scene, one of your friends or acquaintances will inevitably transform from a decent, likable human being to an insufferable music snob who wears a fedora and disparages Katy Perry and Taylor Swift for hours on end.

Not that The Black Sheep thinks Katy Perry fans are much better, but we should’ve moved beyond the days of considering hatred of pop music as a suitable replacement for having a personality. Alas, Varsity Theatre, with its gift of cool nearby music also gives us the Fake Music Snob.

Paul Newman looks every part the Fake Music Snob as he slouches in his chair at Bordertown Coffee with his blue beanie that only looks cool and will not protect from Minnesota winters. Not to mention the carefully applied eyeliner, hallmark of all Fake Music Snobs here on the University of Minnesota campus.

“I’m just like, really into local music,” Newman tells The Black Sheep, breath smelling vaguely of marijuana even though he has a latte in front of him with latte art of a cactus on top of his glass that he refuses to drink so as not to ruin the aesthetic. “Gotta support your local theatres, you know. And your local artists.”

When asked what artists he’s referring to, Newman’s eyes glaze over for just a moment before he said, “You know, local stuff. Like Early Eyes… Bob Dylan… Prince…”

Newman seems to have momentarily forgotten that Prince and Bob Dylan are international superstars who just happen to be from Minnesota, and one of them is dead and therefore can no longer be supported musically.

When asked if he’d like to see Prince perform at the Varsity, Newman nods, “Yeah, man. That would be dope.”

Newman’s friend and roommate, Hannah Skinner, rolled her eyes when The Black Sheep asked for her opinion on her friend’s views on the local music scene. “Paul’s a fucking idiot. This newfound appreciation he has for music started last week when I said I was going to the Varsity with my girlfriends. He didn’t even go along. He’s never been there before and probably never will. I’m definitely not taking him.”

If you have a friend who’s fallen curse to Fake Music Snobbery while knowing practically nothing about music, the Varsity, Minneapolis, Prince, or the world in general, The Black Sheep wishes you condolences and hopes you make new friends soon.

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