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What will be different at UMN in 2017?: Find Out What Goldy the Gopher, President Kaler, and A Generic UMN Freshman Have to Say!



“I hope that the enslavement of genetically engineered giant gophers for the sick use of cheerleading will finally come to an end. Do you know how many of us we’ve lost to the whole ‘spin your head’ thing? A few years ago, my brother collapsed from fatigue after doing too many push-ups. Thank god the Gophers don’t score points anymore.” – Goldy the Gopher 


“After the new year, I will finally take the battlements of the ROTC castle. I’ve tried to contain the area, but a one-man siege just isn’t turning out. Beginning in the spring semester, I’ll have access to a troupe of UMN security guards and the castle will soon be mine. Then I will rule with an iron fist, inspecting my campus from the tallest turret and crushing my foes with the powerful intensity of 1,000 suns.” – President Kaler 


“I’m pretty much an expert on how college works after one semester, so I think the spring will be a piece of cake. Sure, this semester my retainer clogged our communal toilet and my pick-up lines I found online didn’t work, but just you wait until next semester. I’m gonna turn it all around. I’m gonna be hot as fuck. I’m gonna make the system work for ME.” – Logan Henderson, UMN Freshman 

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