Besides the accurate (yet incorrect) nicknames we give our campus buildings, most Mizzou students don’t think about our campus from other’s point of view. Take a small innocent child for example, you know they’d be scared-shitless trying to find their way around such a massive, populated “new world” to them. So for giggles (and shits), The Black Sheep has done you all the courtesy of renaming Mizzou campus buildings as if a 10-year old had picked them.
10.) “Ellis Library” becomes “Timeout Zone”:
There’s nothing more terrifying than seeing a bunch of isolated tables and chairs with lone students sitting at them appearing to be focused on their studies when we really know they’re engrossed in the most recent vine. To a 10-year old this simply seems like Timeout Zone, and honestly it should be, because then maybe more of us would get our work done.
9.) “Jesse Hall” becomes “The Big White House”:
The ooh’s and aah’s at Jesse Hall are never subtle, but they are accurate when looking at such an elegant building on campus. We’re sure that kiddos would think the same and compare it to none other than our infamous White House. Nothing but the best for Mizzou, right?
8.) “The Engineering Building” becomes “The Maze”:
College kids aren’t the only ones who get lost in this building buddy, we feel you. For a 10-year old, we’re certain this just must be the end for them. Every kid’s been lost in the mall, but never in “The Maze.” We’ve told y’all once, and we’ll tell you again, this is definitely one way to die on Mizzou’s campus. Hell, maybe kids will get more of a kick out of this building, but for the rest of us, it just pisses us off.
7.) “The Rec” becomes “Recess”:
Running in place, jungle gyms, basketball courts, what more could a kid fathom during recess? We don’t know, that’s exactly why our kid brother’s and sister’s think the rec is nothing but a playground. When we unfortunately have to tell them it’s for us big kids to lose our Mizzou freshmen 22, they look at us with blank stares. We wish it were a playground too…
6.) “Brady Fountain” becomes “The Actual Swimming Pool”:
This is clearly our most used pool on campus and we’re sure once kids see us all swimming in it, they won’t even know what a fountain is by the time they leave Mizzou and they might even join us. One day kid, one day you’ll understand how rebelling in college makes us feel warm and fuzzy (and apparently wet on the inside).
5.) “Speaker’s Circle” stays “Speaker’s Circle”:
Congrats to this kid for actually agreeing with the most accurate name on campus. Speaker’s Circle couldn’t possibly be named anything but, because it’s literally the circle of speaking (well yelling…or, preaching). Either way, he gets the “free speech” aspect, nonetheless.
4.) “Memorial Union” becomes “The Cinderella Castle”:
What a beaut, right? This gem has been pictured just as many times as the columns on campus and what other reason than because it looks like a huge castle. No wonder kids think some princess is going to come popping out of one of the windows and some prince is bound to scoop her up. Every girl at Mizzou is wishing it were her, but college fairytales don’t exist kid, sorry to break it to you.
3.) “The Columns” become “The 6 Penises”:
This is one where kids giggle and hide their faces because they don’t really want to say it out loud, but we’re all thinking it. Yes, the columns look like penises. Once you know the history behind them, you feel shitty afterwards, but still, standing alone these poor, erect stone columns do resemble somewhat of the male counterparts. Nough’ said!
2.) “Stankowski Field” becomes “Stinky Field”:
Who the heck is Stankowski anyway? Let’s be real, he probably “stank” in college and got made fun of for it. What better name for our field than “Stank,” with all those rec sports playing on the daily, it most definitely would not surprise any of us if that field stunk a bit.
1.) “The Rest of Campus” just becomes “A Squirrel Party”:
You can’t catch em’, but they will attack you. That’s all we can tell this 10-year old to protect his life and sanity at Mizzou. Most of us ignore them by now, but there’s always that one that just needs some attention and can’t go about its day without you acknowledging it. Run, kid!
Besides Mizzou draining the life out of most of us on a weekly basis, it does have some pretty humorous insights that most of us overlook. Don’t hesitate next time you daydream about your fairytale in memorial or get pissed off when you can’t find your way out of “The Maze.” Life goes on and we think it’d be much more fun if you lived it being a kid for just a little bit longer.