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The 5 Stages of a Mizzou Darty

The sun is up and you’re on your third pair of sun glasses this month, it’s darty szn. Although it’s unfortunate that we haven’t had any snow days, getting a head start on darties will have to suffice. The scent of burgers and hot throw up start to hot box Greek town, and we love it. We know we don’t need to tell you how a darty goes, but were going to anyways because we also know you’re looking for anything else to do besides your college algebra homework.

Stage 1: The prep before the prep
Breakfast. Breakfast breakfast breakfast, we cannot repeat it enough. Eat it, drink it, shove it up your butt, we don’t care how you get it there just get the food inside you. No one wants to be the kid tucked in at 3 p.m. and if you’re a seasoned dartier you know how important this is. If you need inspiration, just channel Beyonce.

Stage 2a: The actual prep
The suns out, the lighting is great and nothing screams Instagram potential like a darty, so be ready for it. Ladies, slap on that last layer of bronzer and add more glitter. Boys, smell your jersey vs. your Hawaiian and throw on whichever one you want to wear because who the hell cares its darty szn. Why are you still in your room?

Stage 2b: The multitasking (optional) (if you’re a pussy)
This is where we start to separate the men from the boys, the AA members from the tourists, if you will. There’s no better way to kick off your Saturday than a shower beer, and if you’re really having a good day, maybe even a shower Trops.

Stage 3: Let the games begin
Literally. Flip cup, beer pong, you name it. It’s only a matter of time before these cute sipping games turn into racing shot gunning and if you can fit in a story long beer bong, we’re impressed. The most important thing to know about drinking games is if you’re not sticky with beer and verbally abusing the team across from you, take a seat.

Stage 4a: The damages
This is about around the time where the crowd goes from hype to destructive, and honestly one of our favorite stages. If the DJ is doing his job right, this is when we get results. Stereotypically, it’s a broken table, due to the darty law of elevated surfaces, which clearly states, stand on them. But be careful, don’t be the person who actually gets hurt at a darty and requires medical assistance. The ambulance is a reallll mood killer.

Stage 4b: The transition
Time for you to head home to wipe off the dirt and blood and do one of two things. Either collect yourself or call it a day. And if you choose the latter, you can stop reading here and just hope you don’t wake up with a sharpie dick on your face. As for the rest of you, go home to the rest of your bottle and bong, and throw on a pair of jeans. It’s time to rally.

Stage 5: No one really knows what happens during this stage
Lights are off, no one’s home.

Darty on, Tigers!


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