There’s simply one word to describe the week-long bender which occurred on South Padre for MU: Unforgiving. Since Mizzou SB is so awkwardly late into March, the Tigers’ arrival onto South Padre Island, Texas was a long time coming. We all had a great time, but our livers? Not so much. It’s time to apologize for all the wrongdoing this poor organ has faced.
7.) Sorry for putting Mexican screwdrivers into a coffee pot to start our mornings off:
It’s just that Pepe Lopez and Wal-Mart brand OJ is so much cheaper than coffee grounds. No one was studying, so how could you expect us to be drinking coffee anyways?
6.) Sincerest apologies for doing a booty luge off that girl who won the twerking contest on the booze cruise:
There’s something about burying your face between a girl’s thick pair of cheeks and chugging a beer through them that brings you closer to God, but also gives you a very real risk of getting pink eye. We’ve heard worse trade-offs.
5.) Our B on finishing a handle of Fireball in under ten minutes in a drinking game called ‘Nascar’:
This one hurt us more than it hurt you. We can’t even look at a handle of the stuff without throwing up.
4.) We’re utterly shameful about the fact that you had to process all of the Whataburger drunchies on top of all the booze that was slammed those many nights:
No worries, you weren’t the only organ pissed about this. Our hearts had something to say about it with the worst heartburn ever experienced.
3.) Many condolences for all the Nattys that were shotgunned in the middle of the ocean:
Even though these were just the icing on the cake, they only added insult to injury.
2.) Lastly, we’re truly sorry for the seven days of hell we put you through as a whole:
Looking back, yeah, we probably shouldn’t have made you do the Olympic trials of detoxification for that long. Especially since we had the worst hangovers of all time on the 20 hour drive back to Columbia. Your buddy, the brain, is even getting on board with telling us we can’t keep doing this shit.
1.) But, thank you:
You’ve been a trooper from the trying times of freshman year when we were slamming Congress vodka in the dorms, to the slightly less trying times now. Once graduation eventually rolls around and we’re forced to get a boring corporate job, you’ll finally get the life-long vacation you deserve. You’ll be able to sit back and relax, knowing you won’t end up blackened and cirrhosis-ified like those livers we saw in health class textbooks.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys: