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9 Gift Certificates All Mizzou Students Wish to Find in Their Stocking

Being in college means you’re broke. You’ve already spent all your cash on double wells at Fieldhouse this weekend. Your parents are sick of you begging them for money for “books.” So, what is a penniless college kid supposed to do? Get a job? NO! The Black Sheep approved answer is to patiently await the most wonderful stocking stuffer of all–gift certificates. Here are some ideal gift certificates to put in any Mizzou stocking. 

9.) ½ off finals week bullshit:
Finals bring about shit no one wants to do. This is a fact that many begrudgingly accept. Now, wouldn’t it be fucking fantastic to have to deal with half the tests, half the meltdowns, half the caffeine-fueled diarrhea? Yea, we think so too.

8.) One free massage at the Rec:
Did you know that massages were a thing at the Rec? Yea, we didn’t either until yesterday. That’s because they are literally trying to a sell expensive, time-consuming experience to the poorest, most time-crunched crowd. A free massage would be great, especially if you’re into a stranger touching you.

7.) Free Uber rides to class in the winter:
There’s nothing quite like the temperature dropping below 40 degrees to suck all motivation from a campus. Seriously, we dare you to find a student who’s willing to freeze their ass off just to make it to their chemistry lab. Help us Uber, you’re our only hope.

6.) One free punch to any annoying asshole in Speaker’s Circle:
Some days people just breathing is annoying. Most days people yelling “free coffee” is really annoying. And sometimes, you just need to punch someone. Who better to hit than a stranger in the middle of a crowded area, right?

5.) Free food at Mizzou Market:
So much food. So little cha-ching. Please Mizzou, please feed your hungry students.

4.) Free dining hall delivery:
Why isn’t this a thing yet? Maybe people would actually use all their swipes instead of having over 100 left at the end of the semester. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, students are lazy as fuck. Dining hall delivery would be the answer to all your library munchies’ prayers. You’re welcome.

3.) Pick an exam to skip and still get an A:
Everyone has that one class where you study, and study, and study, but you still get a D on the test. Wouldn’t it be nice to just check out of an exam and still get a grade your mom could put up on the fridge?

2.) Free printing for one year:
How dare Mizzou make us pay for paper! Seriously, what the fuck is this cruel bullshit?

1.) Buy one get one free shots at Ellis:
Ok, we know alcohol is definitely not a thing at Ellis. Can you imagine if it was? Think about unwinding from three hours of studying with some good old-fashioned dumb-assery. Picture yourself doing a quick boob luge and then hopping back on your laptop to finish a bibliography. Imagine how much more motivated you’d be to go to the library. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

Here’s to hoping that these gift certificates actually become a thing. And if not, we hope you all have a kick ass break and don’t get shit (literally) in your stockings. Drink too much eggnog. Fix it the next day with too many mimosas. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a wasted-night!

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