As fun as dartying sounds in the middle of a rather warm February for Missouri, there are a few safety guidelines The Black Sheep team thinks you all should keep in mind if you don’t plan on falling to your death from a railed balcony (yes railed — as in guarded). You’d honestly think it wouldn’t be that hard for a bunch of adult-ish people to stay away from ledges that suspend over a hundred feet or so and the lovely thick slab of concrete that lies beneath, but I guess we overestimate you.
5.) Realizing That Twerking on a Balcony to “Bad and Boujee” is Not Worth Being Paralyzed:
It’s a fad, we know! But keeping the booty at an acceptable height while partying may very well save an arm or a leg. Who knows what the day might bring if you just stay out of the emergency room?
4.) Railings Were Installed for a Reason – Stay Behind Them:
It’s as easy as neglecting to take 2 more steps forward, hiking your leg up and over and straddling a bar of metal. Just remember what they’re there for and no one gets hurt, okay?
3.) Use the Buddy System — But the 3 Musketeer System When Drunk:
If you don’t trust yourself, maybe you trust a few other smarties on campus that could probably, (probably not) keep you from doing one more dumb thing on campus after having ingested alcohol. Alcohol can cause bad things, but we just hope it doesn’t cause you to lose a pint or more of blood and a ridiculously high ambulance bill.
2.) Living on the Edge Should Not Be Taken Seriously:
Enjoying a thrill every now and then is great; your adrenaline gets pumping, you’re damp with sweat, and a majority of the words out of your mouth are “WOOOOOO!” but please, for the love of God, understand that the literal edge of a balcony is not the place, and dartying on a Friday afternoon is not the time for you to try and get that feeling. Shut it down.
1.) Just Stay TF Inside…:
Now if for some reason, you Tigers can’t handle the guidelines we’ve set before you, we think it’d be better for everyone if you just stayed inside where the AC’s blasting and a nice couch at anyone of our lovely fraternities will gladly embrace you for the much needed nap you’re in for taking. Goodnight young cub… rest up for your next adventure: Monday morning 8 a.m.!
Now if only you could explain to them… we know no parent or friend likes getting the call that their loved one was “smart enough” to get on a balcony and yet at the same time dumb enough to fall off. While balconies are edgy, getting from point A to point B should always be A. balcony then B. back outside, not A. balcony to B. falling 3 stories to death on the ground. Got it? We know math is not our strongest suit at Mizzou, but priorities guys, they save lives.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.