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Bar Rescue: CoMo Edition

There are as many CoMo bars as there are self-loathing alcoholics at Mizzou. For every one establishment, there are about a thousand mouth-breathing idiots, each of whom is a potential money making machine if the cards are played right. That’s why The Black Sheep is here to give you five golden revenue increasing ideas that if implemented at these bars, can generate enough cash to fund the construction of an actual bar worth going too.

5). Campus Bar & Grill (Actually… Big 12):
Everyone loves dollar burgers. It’s a staple in the college game day goer’s diet. The problem is… with so many people craving those little, burnt discs of shameful distraction from your hangover, the time from ordering to having food on the table leaves a lot to be desired. Since the bar in the middle is so unnecessarily large and a waste of space, the servers are often navigating cramped spaces and making the wait for food even longer. However, if the inside were renovated to add a system of model train tracks a la sushi bars, Big 12 could crank out burgers directly from the kitchen and serve an even larger number of patrons on Sundays, without the need for wait staff.

4). Piano:
Sure, it already has a piano, but it’s regular sized and dull and always being played by a guy with a pedo-stache. If this place would actually like to bring in more musical savants, it might take a page out of the movie Big, and switch out their small piano for a bigger piano (the bigger the better right?).

3). Harpo’s:
Harpo’s has a great rooftop area with nice seating near a solid bar with a beautiful view of downtown Columbia. However, when you really go there and see the rooftop space in person, there’s only one thought in your mind, “This would be a fantastic place to raise pigeons.” If Harpo’s wants to increase their return on investment, partnering up with a local pigeon shelter to rent out that space for a large fee could do the job. As time rolls on and both organizations increase their profits, they can use their funds to hire world heavyweight champion boxer and acclaimed pigeon owner, Mike Tyson, for an autograph signing and photoshoot at the pigeon coop. Harpo’s can then drastically increase the prices of their drinks on the night Tyson visits.

2). Shiloh’s:
Although name gimmicks can be a bit tired, eating contests are not. In order to increase Shiloh’s brand recognition and overall presence in Columbia, capitalizing on the power of an eating contest with a twist could seal the deal for them. A sensible business move for the restaurant would be to offer a boneless wing-eating contest between a patron, and none other than the titular character of the 1996 family drama Shiloh. Of course, beagles have a lifespan of about 10-14 years so the original Shiloh is long gone. Thankfully any beagle Shiloh look-alike should do the trick. Not only would this contest gain a lot of publicity for the restaurant, it would be an incredible feat to witness a person beat a dog in a food-eating contest.

1). CJ’s Wings:
With its close proximity to the Boone County Courthouse and the CPD precinct, CJ’s is responsible for negating almost all of the negative energy generated by Columbia. It does so with the best buffalo wing recipe to ever grace this god-forsaken town. However, being so close to those buildings presents both a problem and a solution to their profit margins. Sparse downtown parking scares away many of would-be-customers from CJ’s, but if they offered a special deal to anyone coming from an appointment with the courthouse, or being released from CPD, they could capitalize on a consumer base that already has parking and is probably looking for a mood booster. Half-off wings for anyone parked on either of those lots could increase business at least 1 and a half fold.

Want to get rich? Invest in food-eating competitions, pigeon prodigies, mobile trains, and big-ass pianos and you will! It’s that simple.


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