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Columbia Coffee Review: A Basic Bitch Reveals All

In college, everyone breathes, drinks, sleeps, and bleeds coffee. But there is much debate on which downtown Columbia coffee place is the best. Have you ever wondered? Does it keep you up at night? Well, if you’re a basic bitch this probably keeps you up at night. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep sent out our very own basic bitch to a few coffee places in the downtown area to see which one reigns supreme

4.) Fretboard Coffee – 3 Stars
It’s easy to get lost trying to find this place since it’s in what looks like used to be someone’s garage. It’s strange enough to see a garage that’s not full of dad bod frat stars playing beer pong… this place was surrounded by slanky hipsters with suspenders and knee-length beards. Walking up to the counter is when you notice there’s no frappuccino on the menu. At this point, basic bitches don’t know what to do other than order a mocha latte, whatever that is. After one sip it should be immediately spit out, way too bitter. And there’s no whip on it, like what the hell? In a state of shock, it’s time to move on to the next place.

3.) Lakota – 2 Stars
There’s been a lot of talk about Lakota, and the sign is just so cute you can’t pass it up! But once you walk in you can tell it’s too hipster. Like…the chairs are made out of trees…is that like, okay? On the menu there’s again no frappuccino. WTF. Hoping the mocha latte is better than the last, it was horrible and tasted like actual coffee. Here’s when true basic bitches get high key pissed that there was no whip, ugh. But wait, Kaldi’s is across the street.

2.) Kaldi’s – 1 Star
Walking into Kaldis it looks almost normal but unfortunately hipster. There’s like, two menus. One behind the counter and one behind the customer, it’s so confusing. Still, no god damn frap, what the hell is it with these people? Anyway, you order the mocha latte drink again thinking maybe, just MAYBE something would be different. BUT NO. IT’S NOT. It’s best to just throw your drink away and go to the place that can do no wrong.

1.) Starbucks – 5 Stars
MOTHER FUCKING FRAPS. HELL. YES. Literally, everyone is in leggings and an oversized shirt, it feels like a home of sorts for the basic bitches of Mizzou. It’s so easy to get  #addicted to the caramel frappuccino with almond milk, two shots of espresso, extra caramel sauce and super extra whip. It’s heaven and like everyone needs to try it. Totally not just a milkshake.

At the end of the day Starbs will always win a basic bitch’s heart. Maybe these other so-called coffee places should add fraps to their menus, maybe they’d get more business.

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