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5 Commencement Speakers That Would F Sh*t Up at Mizzou Graduation

With graduation quickly approaching, there are a lot of things Mizzou seniors are wondering about. For example: Can I make it across the stage safely sporting a pre-graduation hangover? Or more likely the terrifying thought of, “….now what?” However, we here at The Black Sheep are more curious about the speaker that has been selected to bestow upon you heathens some life wisdom. We haven’t decided on the perfect candidate for that impactful speech, but we’ve found some speakers whom we know would fuck shit up if given the chance.

5.) Sheryl Crow:
This potential commencement speaker has the added bonus of being a distinguished Mizzou alum. In fact, it’s probably one of the first things incoming students hear the most. But would she really be a good choice? If anything she would encourage students to “soak up the sun” a few too many times. They’re drowning in debt, Sheryl—they don’t have time to soak up the oxygen, nevertheless some sun.

4.) Donald Trump:
Do we even have to explain why we think he would fuck shit up a graduation? Yes, the event would be “huuuuuge,” but really? We don’t think your parents want pictures of you getting your diploma with 30 Secret Service agents pointing their guns at you. Although, it would make a great metaphor for adulthood.

3.) A real tiger:
Seniors, you’ve been living in fear of your GPA, debt, and dealing with the oncoming hangover of doing too many shots at Willies. Why not have the last moment of your college career be equally as terrifying? Maybe he’ll try to eat one of you, maybe he’ll fall asleep, but regardless, his commencement speech will be to the point. Who knows? Perhaps his simple advice to “roar” will stick with you through the hard times. Or not.

2.) The yodeling boy from Walmart:
At first, this may seem like a great idea. This boy went from yodeling at Walmart to performing at Coachella and hanging with Justin Bieber. There’s your problem Tigers. He’s accomplished more in one month than you probably have your entire time in college. Once you all realize that in the middle of his yodel speech, your entire class will be crying so hard that you will all smudge Alexander Cartwright’s signature on your new degree.

1.) Thomas Doty:
Ah yes, the Mizzou distinguished alumni page on Wikipedia is full of many interesting alums, just like this one. There are people from all corners of life that started their legacies at Mizzou from journalists, to scientists, to….a guy who blew up a plane. Now, he certainly would fuck shit up at graduation, but we’re glad he’s been dead for more than 50 years! 

Whoever the speaker ends up being at your graduation, we hope you are able to take away some helpful pieces of advice. But let’s be realistic, you guys suck so you probably won’t. Happy graduation losers!


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