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7 CoMo Establishments That Seriously Need a Liquor License

It’s not every day students on Mizzou’s campus need a drink to bring them back to reality (wait no, that’s backwards). Of course everyone of you deserves a drink, but some establishments on and around campus just aren’t with the binge-drinking trend that makes up college life. We did everyone a favor and made a list of the places that truly deserve to intoxicate the public masses that are you Tigers. You’re welcome.

7.) The CSI:
If these motherfuckers actually accomplished anything besides planting their asses on a yellow couch maybe they wouldn’t need to turn to drinking, but jeez! It’s like they’d rather just talk about improvements and change for the student body while secretly mocking them all while seated on the ugliest yellow couch your fat, slobby uncle would never even sleep on. MSA, why don’t you take a shot for every unaccomplished thing on your “To Do” list?

6.) Taco Bell on Providence:
A centralized, fast-food, junky joint like this beloved Taco Bell deserves to be blessed with a fully-stocked cash bar. Within walking distance of Greek Town and downtown, it makes the perfect spot for a Thursday night feast…but with a little liquid courage on hand to get you through whatever endeavors await the rest of the night. We’ll do our best, but we’re no lobbyists in the realm of liquor licenses.

5.) Skyzone Trampoline Park:
Bitch, please. This ain’t no place for kids… that’s like saying Finding Dory was made for your 6-year old child’s pleasure (IT WAS MADE FOR US MILLENNIALS–so GTFO). We’ll take the cardboard pizza and sticky socks without your snot-filled, jagoff kids. This is no place for immature runts…so bring on the booze.

4.) The Shack:
Oh the beloved home of cheesy waffle fries, intense pool games and MU Improv, we love your cozy booths and dim lighting. Nothing washes down potato mush and belly laughs like a tallboy in a frozen mug. Why can’t we go back to the 70s, when The Shack was no larger than a capstone classroom and tap beers were 60 cents? The irony!

3.) Volleyball games at The Hearnes:
These girls constantly show out, time after time, and we’re sitting here decked out in our black and gold sober as shit. What sort of fanbase is even halfway lit without the influence of alcohol above the blowing “average” of .08? Right–none. If the Mizzou football team can bring in ridiculous crowds sloppy or not, Mizzou women’s volleyball could use the support too. Give them a license!

2.) Subway on Hitt Street:
The hangover sandwich of sandwiches. Screw JJ’s on Broadway–we know you don’t want to walk that far and let’s just go ahead and assume your New Year’s resolution of eating healthy has been shot for weeks. Do yourself a favor and visit this 2-in-1 (make your own slushy and make your own sandwich). We’re geeking out at how good this could be. 

1.) Ellis Library:
Ellis doesn’t deserve an explanation, but we’ll give you one anyways. We know where you spend most of your nights when it’s not Thursday-Saturday. We get you! You deserve better study habits, so do yourself a favor and throw a cold one back red-solo cup style.

If you’re not convinced, you don’t know what’s truly worth living for in life. Maybe you’re a nerd, or just have a large stick up your ass, but either way you and every other Tiger on this campus deserves a drink whenever you feel like it. Don’t put making a petition for liquor licenses past your Black Sheep team. We’re a drinking staff!


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