We’ve all heard of the “7 Things To Do Before Graduating Mizzou.” When you’re a freshman, these are basically engrained into your brain, whether through your R.A. or through some kid in your dorm whose sister went here. They’re fun things that draw students into the culture of campus, but when you really think about them, they’re actually kind of fucked up. Let’s take a look.
1. Climb to the top of Jesse Hall.
Woah. Okay. Go big or go home, I guess. Just to be clear, it’s a 105 foot climb to the top, all the while dodging the alarms and cameras. Sure, some people do it, but…come on. James Bond would even have to think twice about this.
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2. Explore the tunnels under campus.
Apparently, there are tunnels under Mizzou’s campus that run from the power plant to Schlundt Hall and the Chem Building, as well as one that runs from the basement of Jesse Hall to Switzler Hall. Some of these are covered by grates, and they’ve been shut down for decades. But, you know, by all means, let’s run around in them. What could go wrong?
3. Kiss the 50 yard line at Faurot Field.
Okay, this one’s actually pretty cool.
4. Streak the quad.
This one’s really hard to make fun of, especially because here at The Black Sheep, we’re all about getting naked and seeing what happens. More than anything, the weirdest thing about this one is the way that Mizzou tries to control it. There’s usually one or two police officers posted up somewhere around the quad, and believe us, they’re faster than you think, and boy howdy are they itching to tackle a naked coed. Just because you ran track in high school doesn’t mean you can outrun a cop with a walkie-talkie.
5. Ride the tiger in Tiger Plaza.
It’s not hard to do, and it’s done very often. In fact, at any given moment on any given day, you can probably drive by and see a group of girls all straddling the tiger (it’s actually a lot bigger than you think) and screaming “WOOOO!” at the top of their lungs. Look at it this way: you’re basically dry humping a statue. Get off, you weirdo.
6. Swim in the fountain in Tiger Plaza.
You mean the fountain that we’ve literally watched someone vomit into before? The fountain that is plagued with chlamydia and Ebola (yeah, we’re still using Ebola jokes)? Again, what could possibly go wrong?
7. Scream, “I love Mizzou,” in Speaker’s Circle.
This one’s pretty fun, because it’s like you’re proclaiming your love for someone at the end of a romantic comedy, except instead of it being a person, it’s the school that gives you crippling anxiety and debt — and instead of light rain with anticipation of a redeeming kiss on the lips, it’s 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday and people are staring.
All in all, Mizzou is the best place in the whole world. We have a strong student body and we don’t take shit from anyone. And if we can’t laugh at our own traditions, why even have them? Now excuse us while we rub Truman’s butthole for good luck on finals.