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7 Things They Don’t Tell You on Your First Tour of Mizzou’s Campus

Mizzou’s campus peppy tour team may have told you about the seven traditions you have to do before you graduate (and emphasizing how five of them are illegal). But what they didn’t tell you might just make you want to come to the university even more–it all depends on how weird you like it. 

7.) “Everything closes early”:
The only reliable things you can count on when your tummy gets to grumbling in the late a.m. of the night is Pershing Hall. That is all. Late night at Rollins will become your best friend sure, but it’s going to stab you in the back once it’s too late. After 11 p.m., you’re out of luck.

6.) “Hatch Nasty is real”: 
Not only is it the oldest residence hall on campus, it is also the nastiest (hence, “Hatch Nasty”). Newer recruits and residence hall workers are trying to reinvent the hall’s label into ‘Hatch Classy,’ but the stories told about this residence hall are just too vulgar for reinvention. Some say there are roaches, others say it is because everytime you enter into the lobby, a new odd indescribable smell greets you. The best rumor? One year, there was a student orgy in the trash room on one of the floors. Whatever the reason, “Hatch Nasty is real.” 

5.) “Our most serious sports team is Quidditch”: 
Amongst all of the sports that the Mizzou tour guides could possibly mention, they fail to point out that we have a serious Quidditch team. Very serious. Just last year they made it to the final four at nationals! (Quidditch World Cup, anyone?)

4.) “Crosswalks are a myth”:
Crosswalks–what are those to college students? Here at Mizzou, your tour guide crossed all of the designated “legal” crosswalks needed to get to the next destination. However, tuition is only rising in this economy, and it’s the reason why students (especially unsympathetic ones without cars) walk willy nilly to get to where they need to be. Join the club! And maybe get free tuition if you’re lucky.

3.) “The Ag Building is the best shortcut at Mizzou”:
When mapping your route to get to class the first year, do not only rely on the sidewalks and clear paths to guide your way (fuck the GoMizzou app). A benefit of a large institution is a lot of big ass buildings — specifically for all your shortcut needs. Whether cold, late, or actually attending a class in the agricultural building, it is a straight walk that will save you time.

2.) “We want to take college algebra off campus”:
It’s not the most failed class at Mizzou for no reason (and don’t believe the bullshit story about how that number has dropped — it’s only gone up). In spirit of one of the most asked questions on tour, “What classes should I take?” one answer they should, but won’t give you is, “Anything but college algebra.” You can get the same credit from taking the course off-campus at a cheaper price. You’re welcome.

1.) “Ellis is haunted…”:
Once upon a time, Ellis Library gave graduate students the opportunity to sign their time away into a cage. The library would lock them into an eerie study cage that was meant to improve their focus (seriously, the cages are real). In other sectors of the library, there are rooms rumored to have hosted satanic rituals with weird symbols and demonic figures on the walls. The air is also very, very, cold, and if you’re a real freshman wannabe, you would actually believe this crack of shit.

The untold truths of Mizzou that will keep you at least half-sane your first year here, and the rest are up to you to discover…(and survive).


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