The start of June at Mizzou marks the beginning of Summer Welcome. Summer Welcome is where 15,000 incoming, baby-faced freshmen flood the streets making parking more impossible than it was during the school year. We here at The Black Sheep are sure incoming freshmen have a million burning questions about this ~magical~ time. Hence why we have decided to truthfully answer Mizzou’s FAQs about the infamous Summer Welcome. Buckle up, children.
1.) Why is it so important I attend Summer Welcome?
How else is Mizzou supposed to make money during the summer? Providing a free, week-long orientation in the fall during move-in is a scam in the administration’s eyes. The cheapest way to say they have prepared you enough is to throw everything they have at you for one day, and then rush you out the door the next day, right after they throw together a schedule that will fuck you over come fall. Unfair, yet downright genius.
2.) When I try to register for Summer Welcome, I am told I have to pay a $300.00 fee. What is this fee?
Congrats! That’s the cost they charge every student. 15,000 multiplied by $300, and you can see why Summer Welcome is a cash cow for Mizzou. Oh, and did we mention that if you don’t attend Summer Welcome, you’re completely screwed for the upcoming semester? You won’t be registered for classes at the very least, so have fun with that. After all, why wouldn’t you attend Summer Welcome and take 1,000 classes you don’t need?
3.) Where is the schedule for Summer Welcome?
Sweetheart, the Summer Welcome leaders barely know the schedule for Summer Welcome. Do you really think they are gonna have a beautifully designed breakdown for poor, oblivious souls like you? They’ll hit you with a rough schedule when you check in your doom, and then throw you to the wolves. In a nutshell, you’ll be overwhelmed with so much information, you’ll know less than when you started.
4.) When will I meet my advisor and register for classes?
Here’s the beauty of the Summer Welcome scam wrapped up in a pretty, little bow. The first day is composed of many activities with a set group hoping to introduce you to your lifelong best college bud. Let’s be real though, one day is barely enough time to remember someone’s name let alone guarantee them a spot in your future bridal party. The kick for Summer Welcome lies in the second day where you meet with your future college advisor and register for classes. However, the person you meet with is just some poor sap, and they really don’t give a shit in advising you on what classes to take so long as you hurry up and register. Go ahead future J-major, take Econ 1014. It’ll be too late when you realize you’re doomed.
5.) Where should I park for Summer Welcome?
Welcome to the concrete jungle. Rules don’t matter here and morals do not exist. Parking arrows will be ignored and someone will get hit. As long as you’re parked under a shelter that vaguely resembles concrete, you should be good. Word of advice, watch out for college sophomores nonchalantly stepping in front of your vehicle. They want free tuition and are prepared for the sacrifice.
6.) I have already sent in money for my guests and now one or both of them can’t attend. What do I do?
Ha! Sucks to suck. Upon starting your college experience, we hope your diet consists of green paper because you’re going to get real used to eating money around here.
7.) When will my Summer Welcome sessions be over?
Faster than you can say, “I don’t know if I want to take Economi -”.
We hope we have prepared you incoming fresh meat enough for the chaos that is Summer Welcome. If you have anymore questions, well, don’t ask us. We write about Mizzou and still don’t know what is going on half the fucking time.