Are you considering making your first cooler? Well lucky for you, The Black Sheep staff has provided you with a step by step guide to making the ~frattiest~ Mizzou formal cooler. Cause that’s what we all strive for, to be frattier, right!?!
Step 1: (perhaps the most important) Get asked. Kudos to you. Some frat star thought you were worth the fortune they spent to take you on formal.
Step 2: Get excited! You’re going to Nashville for a whole weekend just to get f***ed up.
Step 3: Google search “Frat coolers,” then continue to scroll and make fun of other coolers (come on, yours will definitely be better).
Step 4: Buy the cooler from Walmart.
Step 5: Put it away until it’s time to start working.
Step 6: Forget about your cooler. Out of sight, out of mind.
Step 7: Realize formal is next weekend. Take an Adderall, buy some paint, it’s time to get started.
Step 8: Just stare at it…
Step 9: Keep staring.
Step 10: Grow some balls, start side one.
Step 11: Ah, good job, nice progress, now it’s time to leave your cooler in the corner of your apartment for however many days it is until it’s 2 days before you leave.
Step 12: Get back to work. More Adderall.
Step 13: Fix the first side, start the second.
Step 14: (This is actually the most important step for all of you) IMMEDIATELY text your date and lower his expectations. Prepare him for the worst. He needs to think that you sharpied a styrofoam cooler or finger painted it at the very least.
Step 15: Try another side (maybe? if you have the balls or persistence).
Step 16: Apologize to the coolers you made fun of in step 3. Theirs are better than yours will be. There is a reason they pop up when you type in “frat coolers” and yours doesn’t.
Step 17: Scroll through your contacts until you find the girl who will make them for 50 bucks.
Step 18: Scrub the paint off your clothes, carpet, feet, hands, chairs, everywhere. The paint is going to be everywhere.
Step 19: Give away your cooler for someone else to fix.
Step 20: Pretend none of this ever happened.
So the next time you get asked for formal, think twice, consider your options. Honestly, paying for the whole weekend sounds a lot more appealing when you’re an hour deep into this project and the only progress you have is a poor execution of a beer logo staring at you. Just remember, it will soon be holding a lot of booze; you will love it a lot more then.
To the girls that make these coolers as a business, hats off to you. You belong in the same category as Santa Claus or the tooth fairy because that is magical. And as for you boys, just ask an art major to formal, because she’ll probably be the one making your cooler anyways.
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