Solar eclipse protective shades have been flying off the shelves faster than condoms and Plan B on syllabus week. Today, the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a solar eclipse has arrived, but the students at Mizzou are at crossroads, as it is also the first day of classes. No need to fear, however, as we at The Black Sheep conducted a thorough study to help ease your worries.
According to user data and polls, we have discovered there’s, in fact, a 100% chance that you are a huge pussy if you don’t skip your first day of classes to day drink and stare at the sun (or moon) all day. Professors that haven’t canceled class by now suck anyway and have been noted to spend their nights beating off to brony porn with a mouthful of Moon Pies.
Moon philosophy experts here at Mizzou have predicted that while students shotgun Blue Moons under the dark sky, the strange orbital occurrence will cause students to think, “Hmm, I wonder what ice-breaker I’d be using in my first class right now if I wasn’t completely schnockered?” Or their minds might drift to, “Hmm, how many future tigers are being conceived during the minute(s)-long window of a total eclipse, and more importantly, what will those said fetuses be named? Ray? Sunny? Umbra?”
Regardless, first-day class skippers will be outside eagerly waiting for the big moment. Administrative studies show that students tend to have a more successful academic year if they spend their first day of classes staring at the moon eclipsing the sun, than actually attending those classes.
“It’s great for the students to get out and experience this solar phenomenon. In order to properly feel the effects of the eclipse, it helps if the students are completely inebriated,” explained an expert of moon effects.
Whatever you believe, get your hungover self off the couch and refrain from re-watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones again. Instead, go to The Roof with friends, smoke a bowl, and watch Mother Nature be all bougie for a few minutes. Do anything but trip balls, though. Then, you might actually think the world is ending.