Hazing rituals, though forbidden by both university and federal law, have long served as underground rites of passage for newcomers to fraternities across the country, especially here at Mizzou, the last thing we need is another scandal. Generally, these rituals are fairly harmless, but there are a few exceptions like the awful situation that occurred this morning.
“Chris is currently being held in a 4x4x4 foot room 20 feet underground,” said Phillip Murray, Pi Kappa Alpha president. “The tunnel leads up to the center of our front yard, but it’s covered with a massive steel plate to make sure he doesn’t come up too early.”
The boys have been keeping Christopher Connors, a freshman in Pike, in this “burrow” since last Wednesday.
“We feed him El Rancho twice a day,” continued Murray. “We do this via a bucket lowered down through a hatch in the covering. We know he’s still alive because the bucket is always empty when we pull it up. The real hazing is eating El Rancho sober.”
This elaborate set up is all for a big reveal planned for Groundhog Day today.
“Today, we’re going to have a big ceremony,” said Ned Tobolowsky, the fraternity’s vice president. “If Chris comes up and sees his shadow, he’ll retreat back into his burrow and we’ll have six more weeks of rush season. If not, we’ll stop handing out pledges for this semester. It’s that simple.”
To the brothers, it may be all fun and games, but others have expressed some concern over the newly-formed tradition.
“They have clearly not thought this one through,” sighed Jeffrey Joers, President of Interfraternity Council. “When he emerges from that hole in the ground today driven completely insane from isolation and covered head-to-toe in his own excrement, well, let’s just say we’re going to have to sweep another Greek life issue under the rug.”
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