Walmart Express is permanently closed and Mizzou is in a widespread panic. The worst part about it was the fact that we only got 4 days notice before they just packed all their shit and put the “Permanently Closed” signs all over the doors. Maybe they closed to build another bar, since that’s what Columbia needs, and Wal(BAR)t will be open in a couple weeks. Maybe they plan on turning our convenient miniature Walmart into a Brookside Walmart and they’ll charge $1,500 a month. Whatever the reason, the closure of Walmart Express is fucking inconvenient. Now we have to walk 2 blocks away to a (gasless) gas station, full of people asking for spare change, just to buy milk for a hamburger helper meal. Aside from that, The Black Sheep staff is here to provide the 3 main reasons why it sucks that Walmart Express has closed:
3.) Smokeshow at the Checkout:
Of the top inconveniences this store closing has caused, number one has got to be that you no longer get to see that hot checkout person in the reflection of the screen telling you to put the random assortment of shit you don’t need that you just purchased in the bag. Sure, Herin over at No Gas is a pretty cool dude, but why wouldn’t you want to check yourself out and not have to deal with having a conversation when you’re buying condoms at 8 in the morning.
2.) Condom Selection:
Speaking of condoms, everyone knows Walmart Express had a way better selection than any other mini store downtown. Way better condom selection, AND you won’t find another place downtown where you can buy Plan B after a risqué night at 10 below. Now you have to drive 3 miles to go to an actual Walmart and deal with the inevitable swarm of Walmart people. Another reason Walmart Express was so great is that we didn’t have to see these Walmart people in the first place.
If you live downtown, the first couple months of the school year were great. You could stroll over to the Express store and buy your eggs and bread for the week and casually stroll back home, using minimal effort to do your grocery shopping. But then Walmart took that from us. They teased us for so long, and just left us there, lying in the alley behind Big 12 with our blue balls, tugging on the permanently locked door of our favorite miniature store.
If you were to google “walmart express closing” there are lists of Walmart Express stores that were supposed to close in the United States, and yes there are a lot of them, but we are not on any of those lists. How can they do this to us? When KOMU released an article that mentioned they were closing on Monday, October 3rd, 4 days before they actually closed shop, it was the first news that had even mentioned it. The news came as such a shock that we almost didn’t even believe it. We knew Bengal’s was closing long before it happened, and Quinton’s was demolished in our brains wayyyyy before they actually hit it with a wrecking ball, BUT FOUR DAYS NOTICE?!
Wal(BAR)t and Brookside Walmart are interesting concepts, but only time will tell what business is actually going to lease this building with such a prime location. In our opinion, Columbia could use a downtown Panera, but the line would be so long that it would conjoin with the long lines already formed at Chipotle during rush lunch and dinner hours. One thing we know for certain, if they don’t put something better than a Walmart Express there, we are going to be more pissed than we already are.