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Yikes: Freshman Shocked To Find Out Gregorian-Chanting Cult Not Actually A Sorority

Mizzou freshman Sally Snowflake accidentally joined a cult of Gregorian-chanting robed women instead of the Alpha Demos Pi sorority during Mizzou rush week, Snowflake told reporters on Tuesday, adding that the “chanting and similarly-matching outfits” lead to the confusion. 

“Every sorority was dressed similarly and chanting, I really couldn’t tell the difference,” Snowflake said. “They seemed like a normal sorority I swear! Sure their house seemed a little outdated but how was I supposed to recognize it was a cave and not a yoga room? They’re both so dark!

The aftermath of rush week at Mizzou involves hordes of barely-legal girls gleefully shouting how they have “found their homes” after a brutal week of walking miles in heels. But Snowflake was just another victim to fall to the eerily-similar cult that’s taken campus by storm. 

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“I first noticed something was strange when I went back to the house after bid day and no one wanted to get day drunk off of a Four Loko with me,” Snowflake said. “Like, who says no to that? All these women wanted to do was chant.”

Snowflake said that she finally knew she joined the “wrong kind of cult” she went to reconfirm what the sorority name was so she could hashtag it on Instagram.

“They began speaking in tongues and holdings hands—which is a pretty normal sorority things, so I didn’t completely freak out—but they really caught me off guard when they kept telling me that ‘one day I would know,'” Snowflake said. “Uh, yikes, right?”

After the whole cult mixup, Snowflake said she has vowed to open a foundation for sorority girls who’ve accidentally joined a cult in the process of rush week.  

“The similarities are shocking,” Snowflake said. “Sisterhood and Gregorian-chanting robed women have, like, a lot in common.” 

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