It’s no secret that the Tigers haven’t been throwing around the ole’ pigskin as well as they have in the past. So where does that leave ticket sales for this fall? Well, no one wants to buy them. And that’s why we’re breaking up Mizzou’s dynamic duo of selling basketball and football tickets together, and selling them separately (pause for dramatic gasp).
Mizzou finished at the bottom of the SEC East (still a better record than KU though), despite completely wrecking Delaware State to the point of the mercy rule being put into effect. The team showed streaks of promise but failed to capitalize when it mattered.
“I realize it’s sort of beating a dead horse here by talking about how Mizzou’s football team sucks huge, gargantuan amounts of ass,” says Frank Poole, Mizzou alumnus. “But, in fact, I’m digging up the dead horse from its grave, beating it a few more times, and burying it again. The glory days of watching Michael Sam, Maty Mauk, and Jeremy Maclin make their opponents their bitch still warms my heart, my cold heart from the many L’s on the gridiron as of lately.”
Though alumni can reminisce on the glory days, for current students, they don’t seem to mind the ticket bundle separation due to other important matters on their mind, like tailgating.
“It’s common sense if you think about it,” says current Mizzou junior, Joe Silverstein. “With alcohol sales going up since the election, people are going to spend more time tailgating and less time actually watching the game. If anything, football tickets can be bought and flipped back by students to contribute to their vice of choice. You know, booze, weed, or Emporium cheesecake.”
Data shows that separating the season tickets bundle will conserve millions of trees worth of paper that would normally be wasted on football tickets no one wants. It seems the only tickets worth printing for are for games people will actually attend: basketball.
Silverstein comments, “Yeah, conserving paper is cool, but I’m just hype for the monumental basketball season ahead of us! Michael Porter Jr. posturizing dudes, breaking ankles, and doing off-the-backboard dunks to himself is going to be sick. What’s better than hearing the Antlers start off the game chanting, “CAL YOU CUCK,” if we play Kentucky again. Their heckling is an art form that deserves a little more respect.”
It’s time for the bundle to be torn apart so the students of Mizzou can stop wasting their money. Then again, this is a democracy, so do what you will. Go to football games, go to basketball games, but at the very least, don’t be the cuck who buys neither.