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7 Things in The Mizzou Store No Student Would Ever Buy

You can not graduate from Mizzou without having bought at least one item from the Mizzou Store, located in the Student Center. Of all the things one should buy, snacks, clothes, books, etc. there is a list of things no one in their right mind has any business shopping for and The Black Sheep found them all. 

7.) Enormous tiger head decor:

First of all, it is $65, and you can’t even put it over your head. What is the point of flaunting a stuffed tiger on your wall as if it was a hunting prize. Tigers are going extinct, you don’t want to appear as an asshole. Plus, the facial expression on this feline’s face is nothing but straight confusion. He gives off a weird “What is going on?” type of vibe, and you do not need that to fuck up your aura.

6.) A Christmas ornament:

All aboard the “I am too lazy to take down my Christmas Tree in the middle of Spring” train *choo* *choo*. Santa’s smirk is the only thing keeping him on the shelf. Fake sparkly snow and a Tiger caboose just does not sell anymore. This item is so last season, literally.

5.) The entire Mizzou Christmas collection:

As if Santa couldn’t leave on his sleigh fast enough, why is this section even here? It exists just beyond the corner of unwanted items. Snowman, coffee mugs, and bears “oh my” is the expression the clerk should give once they see you trying to walk out in snowflake socks.

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4.) A bad tiger manicure:

Since when does a Tiger’s Paw have five thumbs, and the nails of a Long Island native? Whoever this foam hand was modeled after needs a manicure badly and help picking up their food. A real tiger paw has four oval shapes on its surface, so the purchase of this object is actually anatomically and incorrectly offensive to our school’s mascot.

3.) Twist board:

Why would anyone buy a Twist board when things like Shake Weights, crunches, and a five-star rated Mizzou rec center free with admission exists? This workout toy looks like it should come with a walkthrough VHS. It will not be long until you stash this item away and never use it, or try to sport it as a hat and never speak of the purchase you will always regret.

2.) A shirt no one can read:

If you have to squint in order to see what is going on with it, then you most likely have no business buying it. Why are the Mizzou letters trying to camouflage themselves? It is like even the font wants to protect itself from this catastrophe.

1.) Overly-priced outfits that the mannequin doesn’t even want to wear:

What is bothering about these items are not so much the style, it’s the fact that not even the mannequin wants to be caught wearing it. Manny looks like she is doing the new freezer challenge, and if she could talk would say, “What do I have on?” This outfit is sure to look better on the mannequin than any student simply due to the fact that Manny has no nipples, so there’s that.

If this doesn’t scare you away from shopping, we don’t think anything will. These are the epitome of horrendous… but hey, they might make great gag gifts for Father’s Day.

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