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Op-Ed: I’m Glad We Didn’t Cancel School So I Could Watch You All Be Miserable

My One and Only Tigers,

It is I, Mun Choi, your dictator.

President. I meant president. 

You may have woken up this morning, or just now if you’re a lazy piece of shit, and heard the terrible news that campus has a nice ice blanket. Class was not cancelled. As I sit here, in a bathtub of students tears, I can see the snow glistening on the columns, and there was obviously class today regardless of your “feelings.”

Before you continue binge watching whatever garbage you were, let’s make something clear: I gleamed while looking out my window, seeing all of you eating shit and crying about how cold it is on your walk from Engineering West to the Physics building (you set yourself up for failure with your classes being that far apart anyway.) I don’t care about you or your well being — I just care about the money you give me by being here.

If my secretary, Linda, doesn’t shut up about you all, even less is going to get done around here. “Oh the kids need to be safe, they shouldn’t come to campus, they could get hurt!” Well, Linda, as punishment you are to pack up your sorry excuse for a desk and walk on the iciest path to your car and never return to my campus again — along with you losers who decided to skip class anyway.

Winter storms just make me feel some type of way, which leads me to say this: Who the hell do you think you are? I know you all talk shit about when I’m not around. (You even do it when I am around!)

And that’s O.K. — my soul is as cold as the tears I am soaking in. Before you wish for more ice, be careful what you wish for, Tigers. If there is an ice apocalypse, you bet your ass I am making sure campus is open again.

If you die, at least I can take your money.

Stay poor, 

Mun Choi
Hearty tear-drinker
President of the University of Missouri

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