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Post-Break Symptoms the MU Student Health Center Can’t Cure

The MU Student Health Center is great–all problems from a headache to mono can be solved by taking a trip to this magical place of pills, doctors, and lucky exam exempt notes. However, there are several health crises that repeatedly sweep the campus following winter break that not even the medical center can remedy. To make sure you don’t catch one of these highly contagious post-break illnesses, The Black Sheep has compiled this list for you to increase awareness.

7.) Sudden onset naps:
Break time meant that you could sleep all you wanted. Want to take a nap after breakfast? Go for it! Want to take a nap after your nap? Do it, you’re the king! Here’s the issue–going back to real life where papers and classes bombard the day mean that sleep becomes the lowest priority. Students experiencing sudden onset naps may find their eyes involuntarily shutting or falling asleep in awkward, public locations such as Speaker’s Circle or the Fieldhouse dance floor.

6.) Constant itch to commit drunken mistakes:
With about a month of sobriety, your list of dumb-ass mistakes is starting to wear thin. Gotta make up for lost time! Cortisone won’t soothe this itch. The only solution is to pound back a few shots and see where the night takes you.

5.) Loss of all motivation:
Break should be refreshing. Instead, we are reminded of what life would be like if we decided to stay home, instead of “do college.” Turns out, not writing papers is pretty awesome. Suddenly, living with your parents until they kick you out isn’t looking so bad after all.

4.) Extreme cases of eyes bigger than stomach:
Your tolerance is down after a month of actually drinking water and not [substitute any shitty alcohol here]. You’re going to drink to your pre-break threshold. Big mistake! We hope you like vomiting in the street afterwards. Here, have a Tums!

3.) Hyper-gym syndrome:
Get to the gym! New year, new you right? Wrong! Symptoms include wearing lots of spandex and downloading useless fitness apps. Conditions generally subside within two weeks of being back on campus and going to Rollin’s Late Night throughout the entire weekend.

2.) Constant questioning of life decisions:
Do you actually want to be here? This is usually not seen until later in the semester when the weather warms and you have to sit inside the library and watch as the sun appears from behind the winter clouds and temperatures become bearable. There’s no cure. Seek help from the counseling center if you need it.

1.) Laundry amnesia:
Your mom did your laundry for a month and now you can’t tell the difference between detergent and dryer sheets. You idiot! Here’s to hoping you don’t shrink all your clothes or dye them all partially gold!

Keep an eye on all the other Tigers on campus to make sure you don’t catch one of these symptoms too. And if you do, don’t bother going to the MU Student Health Center for help. Instead, get drunk, go out, and you’ll be feeling back to normal faster than you can say “M-I-Z.”

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