Football season is here, and they are still doing construction in the Memorial Stadium south end zone. People assume they are just going to be taking what they had their before and making a little bit nicer, but everyone knows what they need to be putting in there: Chick. Fil. A. One can only hope and pray, but here are just a few reasons why they need to be putting a Chick-Fil-A in the new end zone.
5.) Already have a shit ton of seats:
Come on now, what are they going to do, build more seats? Faurot Field already holds 71,000 people, and we’re pretty sure we don’t need anymore of those. On the other hand, Faurot currently has zero Chick-Fil-A’s. Numbers do not lie, and in this case, they are telling us we need a god-damned CHICK-FIL-A.
4.) Taking advantage of tailgaters:
After students throw back a couple of Natty Lights, and get some games of bags under their belts, what do they need next? That’s right: some greasy ass food. And you better believe they will be willing to spend whatever money their parents gave them for groceries this week on whatever is most conveniently close to them.
3.) Making money:
As if Mizzou needs any more of a reason to take money out of your pocket. People will be lined up all the way to other end zone if they get a Chick-Fil-A. Plus, they can overprice the shit out of it, and people will still gladly pay up for the those delicious, breaded chicken sandwiches they have. If people are willing to spend $5 for small cup of Dippin Dots, just imagine how much a medium fry and sandwich from Chick-Fil-A could go for?
2.) Allow people to get their fix before the Sunday blues:
Everyone knows Chick-Fil-A pulls the biggest dick move on everyone every single week by reminding us they are closed on Sunday’s, so let the people get their fix for it the day before on college football Saturdays. Hell, people might not even be coming for the football game at all, just put a drive thru in the back of Faurot while you’re at it.
1.) Have them give out little bibles:
Since people love to hand them out so much in speaker circle, why not start handing them out in our football stadium as well. Build the Chick-Fil-A still but have them spread the word of our lord and savior Jesus Christ while we’re at it. Who needs Chick-Fil-A sauce when you have the word of an entire religion that fits in your pocket?
While this simple request may go unfulfilled, we hope they stop serving $7 pretzels and hot dogs, and just give everybody what they want: some god damned chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Please, take our money, we are willing to do whatever it takes. We are begging you…
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