Happy Easter week, everyone! A.K.A. the only other time besides winter break and Thanksgiving that you go home to your parents. As good Christians, you’ve been on your best behavior almost all year. But this weekend presents an interesting opportunity.
You see, Jesus will be dead for like, three days—from 3 p.m. on Friday (Good Friday) and until His resurrected sometime on Sunday (Easter). Ever wondered why it’s called Good Friday if that’s the day Big Daddy was crucified? It’s because you’re free to sin as much as you want until you’ve finished eating all the candy in your Easter basket!
X.) Say the Lord’s name in vain:
Try it! It’s not gonna get you on the naughty list with the Big Guy this weekend. But don’t make it a habit, okay?
IX.) Tell some lies:
Lying is a sin, but it’s also fun and useful. Telling lies can help you avoid the consequences of doing other sins, since many sins are not only illegal with Jesus, but also illegal with law enforcement (bummer).
VIII.) Evade your taxes:
Yes, tax evasion is a sin because it can be considered thievery. But why don’t you give it a go this weekend while The Man’s away? Think of all the money you’d save and all kinds of other fun sins you could spend it on.
VII.) Worship a strange god:
This could make for a fun afternoon! We know you’d never normally worship any other gods before the One True One, but think of the possibilities! For just a few days, you can worship some sweet idols and bow to any statue you want. Get out there! Play the field a bit.
VI.) Have premarital sex:
Hell yeah. But use a condom. Jesus isn’t watching, but He’ll totally know what you’ve been up to if you or your partner gets pregnant (unless you also get married before the resurrection, then it’s chill).
V.) Covet thy neighbor’s boyfriend/girlfriend:
You know your neighbor’s hot boyfriend/girlfriend who always gives you those strange urges to have immoral sex? Well, this weekend is your chance to actually make a move! Nobody’s judging you except her!
IV.) Fuck with your neighbor in other ways:
After you get rejected by your neighbor’s girlfriend, you may need to let out some resentment by fucking with your neighbor in another way. But we know you’d never do this with the Old Man Upstairs watching, but this weekend you can totally steal his Xbox. Feel better?
III.) Not loving God with all of your heart:
Ever wonder what it’d feel like if you didn’t love God with all your heart? It’s something new and different and forbidden—but not this weekend!
II.) Watch porn:
And no, we don’t mean the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue!
I.) Watch gay porn:
If you thought that last one was fun, then this one is going to blow you away! The number one most fun sin to try this weekend is hands-down-your-pants gay pornography. But don’t take our word for it—go see for yourself!
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