Remember Sex Ed class in high school? Everyone giggled at the words “penis” and “labia” and used the question box to ask what vampires do when they get their period. We learned a lot of important information, like how to put a condom on a banana and that abstinence is the only way to get into heaven. Now that we’re in college, the lapses in our sexual education are blindingly apparent. Here’s what our health teachers forgot to tell us that we had to learn the hard way:
10.) Sheet Hygiene is Personal Hygiene:
A great way to decide if you should sleep with someone is asking the last time they washed their sheets. If they have to stop and think about it, put your shirt back on and run.
9.) We’re All Faking It:
Women have a really biased reputation for faking orgasms. They aren’t the only ones! Men fake orgasms too, and so do people that don’t conform to the gender binary. We’re all fucking liars. Sometimes everyone gets bored three-fourths of the way through.
8.) You Never Forget Your First… Pregnancy Scare:
A pregnancy scare is a womanhood rite of passage. Welcome, we’re so happy to have you! A super fun part about being a lady is the continuous fear that a tiny human being is growing inside of your belly so you buy an overly expensive stick and pee all over it to feel better. Fun is the correct word, right?
7.) Dick Pic City, Population You:
No one likes dick pics (or penis pictures for the alliteration addicts), yet everyone seems to have them. Adding a random guy on snapchat you found from a dating app will almost guarantee a Squidward’s nose waiting to be opened. Penises are weird looking, why do you think we want this?
6.) Your Secret O! Face:
You have an orgasm face you will never see, but many other people will. Repeat: many other people will.
5.) Things Get Stuck:
Not only do condoms break, but they can also get stuck inside of your body! Sometimes for days!
4.) Fetishes Are More Prevalent Than You Think:
He may look like a sweet college grad that loves his mom, and he probably is. But he also can’t maintain an erection unless he is locked in a cage sitting on a balloon. It’s just something to think about.
3.) $ugar Baby for some $$ ;):
Becoming a sugar baby is a great way to make some cash. Everyone says you don’t have to put out, but come on. Let’s be real. There’s no way a man takes you on a private jet to some secret sushi restaurant and pays for your utility bill without expecting a little somethin’ somethin’ in return. Who are we kidding here?
2.) No one has much sex as you think:
It can seem like everyone in college is having sex multiple times a day with really beautiful people, but that’s not true for the majority of students. Try to relax. It’s not a contest. Sex frequency ebbs and flows, like a sexy river.
1.) Everyone has more sex than you think:
Literally everyone is banging all of the time and no one is inviting you.