As a result of 20-year-old senior Matt Sanders having an early October birthday, the young senior has been doomed to life on the streets outside of the bars for the next month while his friends party joyously inside.
“Sanders is such a bitch, hahaha,” commented roommate and 21-year-old Dave Jennings from inside a pub. “Look at him out there all alone with his vertical ID! Priceless!”
“We all go out together no matter what,” Sanders revealed to reporters. “When the first guy in our group turned 21, there were like, five of us standing outside while he went in to drink Long Islands and Snapchat pictures of his wristbands and stamps to everyone. Now I’m alone, and instead of snapchatting all the empty cups on their table like normal people, they just put pictures of me standing outside on their stories instead.”
Witnesses report watching Sanders dragging a stick forlornly through the dirt or sighing dramatically into the night on most weekends. His friends, meanwhile, stand in the windows and relentlessly taunt him with $2 margs that he can’t have yet.
One neighbor said she watched Sanders try to stay in his apartment last Friday night but “his friends totally dragged him out with them and laughed when the bouncer asked for his ID – it was hilarious because I’m also 21 and he’s not!”
“Why was he born so late?” asked one bouncer. “I don’t get why you would even go to college with a birthday like that. Like, you can only drink legally for a couple months with reckless abandon—honestly? October birthdays… ain’t it.”
When asked why she would be so cruel as to bring him into a life where he would be banished to the sidewalks outside of the college bars for like a month or two, Sanders’ mother shrugged and told reporters, “I don’t care.”
Sources report that Sanders has a calendar count-down to his 21st plastered over three-quarters of his bedroom wall, and that’s what “keeps him going on hard nights like these.” It’s unclear how he plans to celebrate, but students and friends have expressed how inspiring and strong Sanders has been throughout this difficult time.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: