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5 Ways Colleges Can Stop Hazing And 2 Ways They Can Just Shut Up And Do A Keg Stand, You P**sy

Hazing is a huge issue in Greek life on college campuses, with national headlines every year reporting injuries and deaths from the actions of older members torturing pledges who are simply looking for a belonging. Universities have the power to really crack down on hazing, so here are five ways colleges can stop the hazing as well as two ways universities can just ignore the whole thing, shut up and do a keg stand.

7.) Knock down all Greek life houses:
It’s a bit insane that 80 individuals are allowed to live in a 100-year-old mansion with no supervision, so of course people are going to feel like it makes sense to make freshmen drink older member’s urine to prove their loyalty to a made-up organization. Completely knocking down all Greek life houses and forcing them to live in their own apartments will decrease the chance of trapping a suburban kid with a live alligator in a house and the university caring since it won’t be on school property.

6.) Make houses create a syllabus for their pledge education:
There’s always some mystery when it comes to pledging when the pledgemaster summons the class to the house at 2 a.m. for some bonding that totally turns into an elephant walk. If universities make pledge trainers submit a syllabus describing what they will do each pledge session, they’ll be held accountable for what they do, so they won’t haze. Accountability for Greek life could happen if you didn’t look the other way!

5.) Pledge, why don’t you do a keg stand and stop with this wimp talk?:
Hazing teaches you discipline dude, plus we all had to do it so that means you have to do it. It just makes sense. So why don’t you just shut up, let us lift you up by the legs and embarrass you while we make you do this keg stand in front of a bunch of attractive people while they Snapchat you?

4.) Have a university official live in the house:
Sororities don’t haze in their houses because there’s an old lady living in the house called a house mom and there has to be some sort of guilt if you’re fat shaming a freshman girl by making her sit on the washing machine. Having a university official living in the house is the ultimate buzzkill and safe way to prevent hazing from going on because they’ll get immediately reported and face some sort of vague probation the university makes up.

3.) Force houses to immediately initiate members:
It’s not hazing if they’re already initiated. That’s just called bullying, which is totally fine and there’s nothing the university can do about it, which is music to university’s ear. Force all houses to initiate members so there’s no more pledges.

2.) Sorry, we’ll kick you out of the house if you don’t do this keg stand, so shut up just do it:
What are you going to do to us, slap our house on the wrist like you usually do? Ow, it hurts! Just kidding, pledge, we’re invincible and know that we’re the real reason people donate to this school anyways.

1.) Write an anti-hazing policy:
If universities make a policy, which is kind of like a rule but less legitimate, Greek life houses would totally follow it. An anti-hazing policy that’s written down in pamphlets and distributed to all houses will drive the point home that universities are totally serious about stopping hazing.

Now that colleges have some ways to stop Greek life hazing as well as to just disregard it to do a keg stand instead, it’s totally up to them and their morals to see if they want to protect student’s lives or not.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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