Tinder U is the college student’s dream. Available bodies within a ridiculously close radius. Booze, to conquer those pre-sex jitters? Also within a ridiculously close radius. Before you can get to knocking boots in a skinny little twin bed, you must get matches. Any bios like the seven below guarantee you a night of chilling in the lounge with your jittery RA while your roommate does the nasty instead:
7). That Michael Scott quote, but it’s really Wayne Gretzky’s quote or whatever:
It’s 2018. We’re in the golden age of television. The Office was FINE. It was FINE. It’s not fucking Arrested Development, alright? This ‘gag’ only shows potential partners that your taste is, at best, cliché. At worst, you’re a weirdo stuck in 2009 who still tells “That’s what she said” jokes.
6.) The “I hate bios” bio:
Wow, you are so meta. Are you Deadpool? You should do standup after this. Or review a Wes Anderson movie on Youtube for your three subscribers. The only thing this bio tells other horny coeds is that you aren’t willing to put ANY effort to even the smallest of tasks. Of course, this begs the question: how are you going to put any effort into this ass, then?
5.) Therapy session disguised as a bio:
“I’ve been hurt before. I’m not looking to play games. I want something real and honest. Let’s grab coffee and see the world.” Wow, Ryan, I’m sorry your high school girlfriend fucked the basketball captain and gave you chlamydia, but is this really the place to post your thinly-veiled emotional temper tantrum? Maybe save it for Tumblr, bud. That whole Edward-Cullen-forever-stalker vibe doesn’t make a lady want to suck you off since it seems like someone already sucked the life out of you.
4.) The spicy meme fan:
If your bio includes some variation of “send me your spiciest memes” then you are one of two types of people. First, you have no interest in memes, but know that some funny people do and thus you’ll peak their interest by masquerading as something other than the human Wheat Thin you are. That, or you’re a Reddit fan who has some shocking, disgusting stuff in your photo album. Any person repulsed by your ‘edginess’ will be labelled as a crybaby liberal. Neither of these will work well when meeting an actual Good Person in real life.
3.) Just the name of your goddamn college again:
No. Fucking. Shit. We’re on Tinder U. Literally the entire point is being able to see where someone goes to college. You do not need to restate “NYU ‘21” in your bio. Do you think this makes you doubly sexy? It just makes it seem like you don’t understand how Tinder U works! How the fuck did you get into NYU?
2.) Listing random personality test results in a long ass list:
“Aries. ENFP on Meyer Briggs. Venus rising. Hufflepuff. Blue aura. Italian. Dauntless.”
To a normal person, all those labels which you cling to desperately form a sad alphabet soup. If your bio includes more than one phrase that needs googling then you’re doing too much. Is your aura still going to be blue when you’re having subpar drunk sex that’ll make for an awkward run-in at the library next week?
1.) “Send me pictures of your dogs” bio:
If this is your bio, I want you to know that you’re a boring, uncreative, spoiled-milk filled trash bag of a person. I hate you and your kind.
Being on Tinder U is like being in a public swimming pool. Everyone is really gross, but everyone is also really close. If you can’t get a warm body on yours, then think about changing up your bio from these seven deadly social media sins.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.