Oxygen levels in the U.S. are at a reportedly all-time low thanks to thousands of undergraduate seniors at various universities across the nation who are suffering from early 20s crisis panic attacks. The health services at the numerous universities have reported incredible amounts of stress and anxiety in a majority of their 4th year students, largely stemming from the uncertainty of their post-grad life.
“I had a student, Jamie Sinclair I think her name was”, Alec Ramirez, a doctor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, told us with complete and utter disregard for doctor-patient confidentiality. “Yeah, so Jamie, Jamie Sinclair, was telling me how excited she was to get started on fixing the injustices in the world when she declared her women’s studies major. Three years and zero internships later, I find her here in my clinic gasping for a semblance of air as she tries to explain to me how she’s wasted her father’s money on a degree that won’t make her any money because she’s insistent on not going to grad school.”
These panic attacks may seem like an eye roll worthy event, but these panic attacks have proven far more consequential than anything that could be expected from the actions of a single generation, with the exception of baby boomers depleting Social Security funding for everyone. With these students hogging such vast amounts of the oxygen in the environment, there has been a visible increase of deceased senior citizens whose deaths are commonly reported as “premature” by their respective doctors. The air shortage has also driven demand for oxygen tank levels as high as it has ever been, with many hospitals unable to keep their shelves stocked with the previously abundant element.
In a prime example of exploiting the needs of the masses in an effort to make lucrative amounts of money, both Kwik Trip and 7-Eleven have begun keeping oxygen tanks on their shelves for those drifters just passing through town and soccer moms needing a breath of fresh air before picking up their children. Whether or not they will be able to keep up with the ever-increasing demand for oxygen has yet to be seen.
With such a wide spread panic occurring within the country, several Congress members have spoken out on the epidemic, urging Obama to declare a state of emergency. Obama, when pressed to explain his reasoning for being so adamant on ignoring the issue, stated, “This happens every year. What do you want me to do? I established Obamacare in hopes that broke college students would be able to afford to deal with these panic attacks,” the President explained. “I’m the President, not your babysitter.”
While the President ignores this epidemic like it’s Hurricane Katrina, experts advise seeking counseling at your local campus health services if stressed about the future. They also recommend taking several deep breaths rather than a plethora of short breaths, stating that it helps with maintaining the appropriate oxygen flow to the brain, as well as preventing the secondhand deaths of many senior citizens.
For those about to bid, we salute you: