So, you’ve walked into the dorm showers without shower sandals. Yikes! Just, like, why’d you do that? Who prompted you to do such a thing? We’ll stop asking questions because we know you’re scared and afraid of what this will do to your long-term health, so let us just lay out the facts for you. Warning: you’re not going to like them.
5.) Oh fuck, what the fuck is that. That does not look fucking good:
Holy shit, this is not looking good. Why didn’t you decide to wear sandals, you sick fuck? Well, we went to the library, did some research, and found out that whatever these things are will start growing on the inside of your body after you take a shower without flip-flops. Anytime you get up from your bedridden state, those spikey things are going to pierce your insides, buddy. Ouch! We’re so sorry, but really, you shouldn’t have been so careless in the first place.
4.) Holy shit, you’re in the ER?:
Wow. We never thought it’d have to come down to surgery either, but it looks like you’re under an anesthetic to get you through all that sawing. Yep, that’s right—both your feet are coming right off. What you thought was going to be a innocent shower to cleanse yourself of the dirt of the day turned out to be one of the costliest decisions of your life. Sorry about your luck, pal, but the doctors said you can keep the feet if you’d like.
Who’s to say you don’t have heartburn? Disabetes? Heart disease? We know you ate like a goddamn pig in the dining halls, and more than once we told you there was no reason to stockpile sesame chicken when you knew there would be some the following day. Sure, you took a shower like a disgusting and foul human, but your overall problems began waaaaaaaaaay back when. 2018 is just not your year, is it?
Sure, this isn’t you in the picture (they’re walking on their own two feet, of which you have none), but it’s some pretty accurate symbolism for where you are in your life: alone, probably hot, and, just to reiterate, by yourself. You think back to that time freshman year, back in the Thompson quad, when you decided to take a shower without your shower sandals. What a tragedy! That single event set off a chain reaction of unforeseeable events that you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy, and you’re now just one of those drifters that everyone knows has something a little bit off about them. Well, besides your feet, here’s to the rest of your good health!
To be fair: you died at the modest age of 74 in Tachoma, Washington. You never found love (though you did come close in the summer of 2033), but you lived your days of solitude thinking what could’ve been, what should’ve been, if only you were a bit more hygienic. But hey, let’s chalk up your life to a case study of Darwinism and call it a day?
Well, taking a shower without sandals in the dorm bathroom is quite the risk and you don’t want to end up like that poor soul, do you? Please don’t take such a risk.
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