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Booze Review: Sutter Home Moscato

 

Your week’s already off to a rough start, so you figure you’ll blow off some steam and suppress your dark thoughts with a shitty bottle (or three) of wine. Get ready for one of the worst hangovers of your life and to shamefully delete your embarrassing Snap Story from the previous night!

Grade: C

Smells Like:

The leftover mess after a basket of unripe grapes had a wild orgy.

 

Tastes Like:

A bottle of pure sugar that’ll be sure to land you in a dental chair getting a few cavities fixed.

 

Typical Drinkers:

– Literally every sorority girl ever. Literally.

 

Fancy hobos.

 

– Soccer moms who can’t get through their shitty kid’s entire game sober.

 

User Comments:

 

– “I think I’m going to show Brad my newly bleached asshole if he buys me another bottle of wine.”

 

– “Isten Dr. Kang, I eef are ine, I on’t e-en EAT andy!”

 

– “SO I PUT MY HANDS UP, THEY’RE PLAYING MY SONG, THE BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY…”

 

– “Is it normal to want to bang everyone in this bar right now? I’m just tryna get LAAAAAID.”

 

You’ll Like This if You Like:

 

Getting white girl wasted.

 

Best Described as an Alcohol Superior To:

 

The six-month-old bag of Franzia you still have in your fridge.

 

What a Frat Bro Would Say If He Saw You Drinking This:

 

“What’s the point of drinking something that you can’t ice out onto people? Oh well, guess I’ll just smash this empty bottle in the corner and hope someone steps in the glass.”

 

Could You Make Sangria With It?:

Sure, but that would just dilute the sweet, sweet booziness of this, and summer’s over, chump.

 

We Mixed It With:

 

More wine! We’re just trying to get ignorant up in here.

They put actual crack in PSLs, right? Or is it something else?

 

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