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Unfortunately, College Quidditch Teams About to Get a Lot More Popular

On Tuesday, the Trump administration repealed affirmative action in the college admissions process, opting for a “race-neutral” approach that would increase the amount of white people playing Quidditch, and college Quidditch teams as a whole, across the country. 

“This is great news for us,” said Alexander Hitchens, a fourth-year seeker at a Ivy League university whose name sounds diverse. “Dartmouth and Middlebury have been gaining on us for years, so we’re glad to see the Trump administration repeal affirmative action so we can get some get some more chasers in the pipeline. Plus, I won’t be around as seeker forever.” 

The Trump administration said that though Quidditch wasn’t the only part of the decision, it played a heavy influence. 

“This fictional sport, and Harry Potter as a whole, means the world to white people,” said Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. “By eliminating the level playing field for students to get into college, we made the Quidditch playing field that much more exciting.”

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