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These Hands Don’t Haze, But These 6 Pairs of Hands Will

“These Hands Don’t Haze” is a national campaign to somehow convince fraternities and sorority to not haze new members during the pledge process. Often times, posters are hung up with pairs of a diverse set of hands to show that apparently that some mystical diverse sorority or fraternity somewhere doesn’t haze. “These hands don’t haze,” the posters say, but we can guarantee these six pairs of hands will haze you if you were a pledge.

6.) Hands that will lift you up (and throw you down):

These hands sure look nice at first and told you they joined Greek life for the community service opportunities ignoring every volunteer organization on campus but these hands are currently formed to lift your feet up like you’re a varsity cheerleader, just to throw you into some quicksand. Good luck reporting to nationals with sand in your mouth.

5.) Above the claw:

At first sight, these hands seem like they belong in an underwhelming community theatre production of Cats but these are hands that will teach you what it takes to be a real member of Greek life. These are the veiny hands that will grab your shoulders and push you into a room where you’ll be blindfolded with an alligator and will claw your eyes out if you threaten to drop despite there being no real consequences.

4.) Love at first haze:

These hands look nice at first but these are the hands that will actually sew your hands into a heart if you don’t master the extremely complex sorority hand sign that you actually need 15 fingers to execute. Better start growing those extra fingers if you want that single in the house junior year.

3.) Put your hands together:


Just because these hands are closed doesn’t mean they can’t haze. These hands are ones that can make your suburban face silly and make you forget why you joined Greek life in the first place if you’re just spending an entire semester getting your ass kicked. You decide whether these closed hands will open more doors to you being a clone to the rest of your house’s members.

2.) It’s in your hands:

These hands are being dried off by a napkin, which can only mean they’re wiping off the bodily fluids that resulted in hazing some freshmen just looking to fit in. If you ever see a napkin between some hands, you know some serious shit went down, and only half of those situations are from those situations where you’ll have to eat literal shit.

1.) Bar pull:

Oh, you really thought the people hazing you would go to jail over it? No way! these hands are just a result of a night in jail after punching a bar security guard, which isn’t a felony if your dad’s a lawyer.

Now that you know which hands haze and don’t haze, there’s nothing you can really do about it since the school will sweep any hazing allegation under the rug before they sweep you under one.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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