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Report: High School Jock Still On Track To Be More Successful Than You

A new bombshell report published by the Davidson Center for Research has announced that Zach Carney, that douchey high school jock people certainly thought would peak in high school, is unfortunately on his way to be more successful than people were originally hoping for him.

Carney seems to be thriving in every facet of his life and it seems that nothing can stop his success ever since winning the state championship in double overtime senior year on a buzzer beater.

“Things got even better after that sick shot I had to beat the Tigers,” Carney said, brushing some fuzz off on his high school class ring. “Remember that smokin’ hot cheer captain who was prom queen when I was prom king? Yeah, we’ve been dating ever since her parents got divorced, so I’m her rock, just like how I was for the team. Plus, I’m president of the Future Business Leaders of America at college, and I already have a full-time job offer at Deloitte waiting for me after graduation — I’m only a sophomore.”

If anyone had any ounce of hope Carney’s peak would end and would someday be his boss to teach him some lesson, the Davidson Center for Research urges former classmates of his to get back into the locker he stuffed you in the first day of high school because it won’t be happening.

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