The Black Sheep sent six writers out into the world to see how American they could make themselves. But which of these stores can make you the most American? We’ll be ranking these stores on their patriotism by rating them on a 5 Made-in-China-American-flag scale.
Ethan went to Walmart in search of the perfect ‘Murica Day outfit, and by God he found it.
6.) U.S. flag cutoff (“Keep Calm and Wave On”) and American dad hat:
If you need a cooler for your beer and a koozie to keep your beer cold, it’s probably hot out. Luckily, Walmart has killer cutoffs and hats sporting the American flag for your 4th of July cookouts (or any occasion really). The makers of the shirt strategically cut off the sleeves on this to minimize the collection of heat on the individual’s body and maximize vitamin D absorption. The hat isn’t just for looks, either — it can be used to keep that pesky vitamin D out of your eyes through its groundbreaking visor technology.
Lorenzo took a trip the New Jersey Stop & Shop and was completely overwhelmed by their pure, unadulterated, Americanness. He journaled his experiences…
5.) Star-spangled balloon:
Oh, sweet Statue of Liberty’s sandals! It’s a Star-spangled balloon, floating majestically in the sky, tied to a beautiful display of Pirate’s Booty. This floating party favor is a stark reminder of the hardships our forefathers went through, when they only had one balloon to celebrate their victory over the British. But the drunkards red glares, the booze belching in air, gave proof to the night that our balloon flag was still there. Let this single floater remind you of America whenever you’re eating the booty like groceries.
Danylo and his male models went to Cabela’s, where they found more guns and camouflage gear than is owned by the U.S. military. But the pièce de résistance was the quintessential American ensemble.
4.) This exact outfit:
This is about the most American thing you can wear, short of wrapping an American flag around your naked body and running through the streets. Compliment with an American-themed fishing rod (buy some bait with that too, see #5), and a cowboy hat with those upturned side things. And yes, that is the Declaration of Independence also printed on the shirt. The only problem is that you may have trouble finding it in any size smaller than XXL.
Julia also went to Wal-Mart, but her goal was to find the perfect technique for coating herself in fine, American goodness, for the lowest cost. We think she did pretty well.
Want your peers to know just how American you really are? Well then the Uncle Sam look wants you! To achieve this level of patriotism, you have to follow a few steps. First, coat yourself in some kind of liquid adhesive. The Black Sheep recommends Elmer’s Glue because it’s safe for your skin and is really fun to peel off and pretend like you’re a shedding snake. Next, find the holiday aisle at your local Walmart. Finally, run through said aisle, letting the glue do the work for you – and voila!
Elmer’s Glue: $2.00
Fine for disturbing the peace (if you have a good public defender): $25
Total outfit cost: $27
Connor took a trip to Bass Pro Shops and found him surrounded by everything you’d need to move into a camper and live off the land. From camo sandals to a warning sign that threatens death to trespassers on your land, Bass Pro had it all…
2.) Redneck guzzler:
Fill a 76-ounce guzzler to the brim with equal parts Jack Daniel’s Whisky and ice. Garnish with a slice of bacon to taste. You’re sure to be the most patriotic person on your block. Your fellow patriotic neighbors will hold you in the highest regard, while any communists you come across will fear you. Don’t forget to buy a giant bucket of fireworks of the loudest, most dangerous fireworks.
Adam headed to the most American place we could think of: Hobby Lobby. There you can find all the craft supplies a red-blooded American could need, without being bothered by ungodly things like birth control or Jews. And he found the most American objects that God has ever bestowed upon man…
These mice figurines of two quintessential American scenes are perfect placements for a picnic table. The one of mice musicians exemplifies the artistic spirit of the U.S.A. From rock n’ roll to country and gangsta’ rap, Americans love their music. We thought we heard the mice playing the National Anthem. Turned out it was the music in Hobby Lobby, but you get the picture.
The one of rodent pyrotechs truly captures one of the great American pastimes: blowing shit up. Don’t worry, though. It’s a fake firework, so bodily organs are safe.
So this 4th of July, hit up one of these stores and get your ‘Murica on! Stars, stripes, red, white, and blue are the best camouflage if you’re looking to avoid getting shot by drunken, patriotic rednecks. Go now, and get all the flag-covered goodness that you’re craving so bad.
Warning: The American flag should only be used in moderation. The Black Sheep and its affiliates (if it has any) do not take any responsibility for any side effects of the overuse of the American flag, which may include: people looking at you weird, excessive grilling, weight gain, saying “y’all,” and being just so, so free.