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She Won’t Know What Hit Her: Incoming Freshman Expecting to Keep High School Boyfriend Obviously Hasn’t Met Dreamy Jeremy From Theta Pi Yet

Incoming freshman Madison Levy, who has reported plans to continue dating her high school boyfriend throughout college, obviously hasn’t met dreamy Jeremy from Theta Pi yet. The 18-year-old has allegedly accepted a promise ring from current boyfriend, Matthew Stags, despite what the future holds in store at the state college she plans to attend this fall.

When asked how she expected to make things work, Levy detailed plans to drive two hours to visit Stags every other weekend despite being completely unaware as to how much sex she is about to have with Jeremy from Theta Pi this semester.

“Ah, to be young and naïve again,” commented sophomore Jenny Shell between Juul hits. “I remember when I thought my high school boyfriend would make it through college with me…and then I met Delta Iota Dan. No one’s ever been able to finger me that good in public before!”

It is clear, sources say, that Madison has no idea how attracted she will be to Jeremy on the night of her first frat party. Experts forecast that Levy will join the other incoming freshmen—who also have high school boyfriends—in getting fingered on the dance floor in the Theta Pi basement during syllabus week.

Sources have reported that Levy and her boyfriend, Stags, will continue to cheat on each other a month or so into the year, and then stop talking altogether. It is expected that after the breakup, Stags and Levy’s only subsequent contact will be when they run into each other at their hometown bar to drunkenly hook up over winter breaks.

Although Levy, like many other incoming freshmen before her, had plans to keep Stags locked down for the next four years, it is obvious to everyone but the young undecided major that she will soon be blowing Dreamy Theta Pi Jeremy instead of attending her communications lectures this September.

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